The Supreme Affectionate

I received a question this morning from one of my spiritual daughters. She asked on behalf of a friend: "Woman must think that she is maidservant of her husband as he is the representative of God!

But sometimes it may go to the extreme when [her] husband always remain in the attitude of being master (no doubt he is) but he does not give [her] time and ignores [her] then what should [the] woman do in that situation?

She's too much attached to her husband; she doesn't want to be ignored. It hurts a lot to her!"

Someone asked me this. Please tell me what should I advise her???

My Dear Daughter,

Krsne matir astu. All glories to Srila Prabhupada. Hare Krsna.

I am very sorry to hear this. The men who are treating their wives like maidservants only, not giving them affection, jewelry, new clothing and children, may not be understanding their duties properly. They are struggling to make enough money to support their families, which is very difficult. Srila Prabhupada even said in this regard, “Maintenance of family is more difficult than maintaining an empire.” (Lecture, August 30, 1968, Montreal). Yet even though it is difficult, it has to be done. 

On top of earning a living, the husband must be guru to his wife and children. That means not only that he should give them spiritual instruction, but that he must be a good example to them as far as both spiritual pursuits and material interactions. If he is so strict and hard-hearted toward his wife that she becomes discouraged, then he may find that his family eventually breaks apart. This is predicted in Manu-smriti when Manu says that where the women are unhappy, the family comes to ruin. 

Yet it is the duty of the wife to charm her husband with sweet words. What are sweet words? They are words of admiration for his masculine qualities of strength, endurance, intelligence, determination, courage, and dedication to his responsibilities as disciple, husband and father. A man needs this admiration from his wife just as he needs air to breathe. He is dependent upon his wife to provide the sweet words of admiration that he needs in order to continue to do his duty.

She, on the other hand, needs love and physical affection in order to feel understood and appreciated. But for aspiring devotee men, even though they appreciate the service of their wives, to provide physical affection for their wives--touching, embracing, kissing--causes the men to become sexually aroused, although it does not do so for the woman. For the woman, it fills her with inspiration and courage to continue to do her duties and even to improve. But for the man, it causes him to feel like lying down with her and impregnating her. So in order to avoid this type of physical arousal, many devotee men try to avoid touching their wives completely, except when they are ready to perform Garbhadhana Samskara. Devotee wives misunderstand this as lack of love and appreciation for their hard work as wives and mothers, but actually it is simply self-defense on the part of the husband. He has taken a vow--"no illicit sex"--which means that even within marriage, he is not allowed to embrace his wife (which to him, leads to impregnation) unless he plans to make her pregnant. Many devotee men do not feel capable of providing for multiple children, so after producing one or two or maybe three children, they avoid conceiving more children because of financial constraints or some other consideration.

So it's a conundrum. He wants admiration, she wants affection. If he gives her the affection she craves and she gives him the admiration he craves, they are both happy and peaceful. But due to his high expectations of himself as a sadhaka, he avoids giving her the affection she craves, and then she loses her inspiration to offer him the sweet words he needs in order to maintain his family. 

The solution is to make Krsna the center of our lives, the center of our marriage. Then and only then can both husband and wife feel satisfied and provide for each other the kind of encouragement they both need.

And in the interim, until the husband becomes strong enough in his Krsna consciousness to provide physical affection for his wife without becoming physically aroused, she needs to practice taking shelter of the Supreme Affectionate, the Lord in her heart who understands her perfectly and knows just what she needs to carry on in her service. Only Krsna can actually provide what we need, after all. And by depending completely on Krsna, worshiping Him with great devotion and meditating on His all-attractive form, she can also be empowered to encourage her husband, even if he is not yet able to encourage her. Krsna provides what we lack and maintains what we have. "But those who always worship Me with exclusive devotion, meditating on My transcendental form—to them I carry what they lack, and I preserve what they have." (Bg 9.22)

Mata Phalini