“The symptom of Kali-yuga is disagreement,
fight, quarrel. Kali means this quarreling,
fighting, unnecessarily fighting.”
--A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada
Kali-yuga. The age of quarrel and dissension. This material world is no place for a gentleman, or a lady. In this age of quarrel, it’s especially difficult to practice gentlemanly or ladylike behavior. “My Guru Maharaj Srila Bhaktisiddhanta used to say, ‘This world is no place for a gentleman.’ And it is true." (Hare Krishna Explosion, Part I, New York 1966, Hayagriva dasa)
My friend Hamsi and I used to sometimes discuss the concept of Vedic marriage together. With a cynical tone in her voice, she told me that hers was not a Vedic marriage, but a Vedic mirage. She was convinced
that trying to have a Vedic marriage in Kali-yuga is not possible.
You may also feel bewildered as to how to improve your marriage toward the Vedic ideal. You may ask, “How in this age is a married couple to realize the Vedic paradigm of married life? After all, I'm not Laksmi and my husband is definitely not Narayana!” You may wonder if the Vedic concept of marriage is an archaic, out-dated notion from the distant past, obsolete and impractical, an unreachable star, a mirage in the desert of Kali-yuga. You may wonder if it is too idealistic to expect no fighting in your marriage. After all, disagreements are natural between husband and wife. And this Kali age is permeated with an atmosphere of agitation which incites fighting at the slightest provocation.
Fault-finding leads to quarrel
You may also feel bewildered as to how to improve your marriage toward the Vedic ideal. You may ask, “How in this age is a married couple to realize the Vedic paradigm of married life? After all, I'm not Laksmi and my husband is definitely not Narayana!” You may wonder if the Vedic concept of marriage is an archaic, out-dated notion from the distant past, obsolete and impractical, an unreachable star, a mirage in the desert of Kali-yuga. You may wonder if it is too idealistic to expect no fighting in your marriage. After all, disagreements are natural between husband and wife. And this Kali age is permeated with an atmosphere of agitation which incites fighting at the slightest provocation.
Fault-finding leads to quarrel
Fault-finding is the host on which the virus of criticism develops. Such fault-finding starts in the mind and may manifest in words, either written or audible. Marriage is the perfect agar, the ideal laboratory culture, on which the mold of fault-finding can grow. Husband and wife live close together. They see each other's faults. Those faults can be very annoying. Finding fault with our spouse, even in our mind, spreads poisonous acid that can eventually dissolve a marriage.
Fault-finding can lead to outright criticism. Criticism can fester and expand, blackening the heart, polluting the atmosphere and creating bitterness in the relationship. Silent, internal fault-finding, when turned outward, can become hurtful, critical words. A nasty note or a vocalized criticism can generate ill-feelings which can foster an argument. If allowed to go beyond the front door it can lead to gossip. Gossip turns into back-biting. "What? You said what about me to whom?"
One disagreement can lead to another, then each partner further contemplates the faults of the other. Husband and wife point out each other’s faults, which causes that infamous and powerful defense mechanism, the ahankara, or false ego, to let out its battle cry. Hot blood rushes to the eyes, throat and chest. Hairs bristle. The ahankara quickly joins the fray and seeking to establish that “It’s not my fault. It’s YOUR fault!” or “I’m right and YOU'RE WRONG!” leads to further fault-finding, further criticism and further battles. Indignation, blaming and verbal battles can escalate into full-scale, screaming warfare. Thus, the miserable marital quarrel is born.
Fault-finding can lead to outright criticism. Criticism can fester and expand, blackening the heart, polluting the atmosphere and creating bitterness in the relationship. Silent, internal fault-finding, when turned outward, can become hurtful, critical words. A nasty note or a vocalized criticism can generate ill-feelings which can foster an argument. If allowed to go beyond the front door it can lead to gossip. Gossip turns into back-biting. "What? You said what about me to whom?"
One disagreement can lead to another, then each partner further contemplates the faults of the other. Husband and wife point out each other’s faults, which causes that infamous and powerful defense mechanism, the ahankara, or false ego, to let out its battle cry. Hot blood rushes to the eyes, throat and chest. Hairs bristle. The ahankara quickly joins the fray and seeking to establish that “It’s not my fault. It’s YOUR fault!” or “I’m right and YOU'RE WRONG!” leads to further fault-finding, further criticism and further battles. Indignation, blaming and verbal battles can escalate into full-scale, screaming warfare. Thus, the miserable marital quarrel is born.
Because we husbands and wives live so closely together, we can’t help seeing each other’s faults vividly. That sharp awareness of each other’s shortcomings can lead to fault-finding, which can lead to vocal criticism, which often precipitates small squabbles, medium-sized battles, or even full-scale domestic wars. These wars can end up in disaster, either in divorce, extra-marital affairs, or sometimes even domestic violence.
In his purport to Srimad-Bhagavatam 1.1.16, Srila Prabhupada writes, “The age of Kali is the most condemned age due to its quarrelsome features. Kali-yuga is so saturated with vicious habits that there is a great fight at the slightest misunderstanding.”
How can we rise above the powerful influence of Kali? The tendency to find fault, criticize, argue and fight is inherent in this age. No one likes feeling angry, and no one likes to be the victim of anger. Anger is a very powerful emotion that disrupts the life-airs and can cause disease in the body of the person who experiences it. "Once one becomes angry his whole body becomes polluted." (Bg 16.1-3 Ppt) Not only does anger negatively impact the person who generates it, but it can adversely affect the subtle body of the person who is the target of that anger.
It is ultimately up to each individual to curb his own anger. Our husbands have to decide within their own hearts to control their anger and their tendency to fight. We have to decide the same for ourselves. But there are steps that we wives can take to avoid quarreling with our husbands. The temptation to find fault with our husbands, criticize them, argue with them, or walk out on them, especially when we know that they are wrong about something, or misbehaving in some way, is strong. But we can do it, if we have the desire, if we depend on Krsna, and if we take the time to learn how. The pay-off is sometimes immediate and sometimes comes later. But it's always worth it.
It is true that quarreling is one of the characteristic attributes of Kali-yuga, the nature of the Kali-yuga beast. In their address to Sri Suta Goswami, the sages of Naimisaranya lament: “O learned one, in this iron age of Kali men have but short lives. They are quarrelsome, lazy, misguided, unlucky and, above all, always disturbed.” (SB 1.1.10) As long as we are here in this material world, encaged in material bodies during this Age of Quarrel, we will be influenced by the tendency to quarrel with our husbands when they ignite our anger. Disagreements will be there, but we wives can learn behaviors that will help ward off disagreements, or at least pacify the atmosphere when disagreements arise. We can learn the art of forgiveness, the art of how to soften the mood of an angry husband, how to control our own anger, how to have a positive outlook and how to remain prayerful and grateful.It is ultimately up to each individual to curb his own anger. Our husbands have to decide within their own hearts to control their anger and their tendency to fight. We have to decide the same for ourselves. But there are steps that we wives can take to avoid quarreling with our husbands. The temptation to find fault with our husbands, criticize them, argue with them, or walk out on them, especially when we know that they are wrong about something, or misbehaving in some way, is strong. But we can do it, if we have the desire, if we depend on Krsna, and if we take the time to learn how. The pay-off is sometimes immediate and sometimes comes later. But it's always worth it.
The preservation of our marriages and our family solidarity is largely up to us wives and mothers. Here we are in the material world and the quarrelsome influence of Kali-yuga pervades the atmosphere all around us and even inside of us. For our own purification, as well as for the glory of our Lord, for the preservation of the reputation of our guru-parampara and the worldwide assembly of Vaisnavas, as well as for the spiritual and material welfare of our husbands, ourselves and our families, we must strive to conquer anger and learn how to live in this Kali-yuga without marital quarrel.
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