How Men Think

Marriage is not about indulging in womanly association.

Marriage actually means renouncing all the other beautiful women

in the world and restricting yourself to one and only one wife.

                                                                                                                          ~Haripada dasa

Srila Prabhupada hints throughout his teachings about how men think.  They are visually attracted, stimulated and captured by the voluptuous form of woman.  As Srila Prabhupada noted, for them, even the wooden form of a woman is attractive. (See letter to Kirtiraja, 2/28/72)  They desire to see women naked (they mentally undress every beautiful woman they see--this is not meant as a criticism of men, just as an observation to help us understand them better).  This is why Srila Prabhupada says that a woman should be naked only in the presence of her husband.  And this is also why we souls in female bodies should dress very chastely around men and boys who are not our husbands.  This nature of a soul in a man's body to be attracted to all beautiful women is the reason why it is very, very, very difficult for a man to restrict himself to only one wife.  

Lord Sri Ramacandra, who took the eka-patni-vrata--the vow to keep only one wife--was lauded for His great austerity of refusing to take another wife even after Sitadevi entered the subterranean abode of Bhumi devi.  To restrict himself to one and only one wife was regarded as a huge austerity for any man, even in Lord Ramacandra's time.  Lord Ramacandra, who is God Himself, set this example.  But it was considered austere even in the Treta-yuga, so what to speak of in the Kali-yuga.  

Men in this Kali-yuga are constantly, ruthlessly bombarded with suggestive billboards, sexy commercials, and ruthless internet stimuli that flaunt the most gorgeous female forms a man could imagine.  So for us women to expect our men in this fallen Age of Kali to be satisfied with just one wife (us) we need to be aware of how excruciatingly difficult it is for them.  And we need to be all that we can be for them so that they don't feel a need to go elsewhere to look for another woman.  This is part of how we protect our husbands, by being attractive to them.  This is one of the duties of a chaste wife. 

On the topic of how men think, Srila Prabhupada also taught us that men desire to be in a superior position in relation to their wives, and he says "this must be observed."  In other words, we wives must honor the position that Krsna has given our husbands as our guides, protectors and providers.  Protection necessitates control.  Without controlling his charges, how can a man protect his wife and children?  Therefore, we must agree to be protected by agreeing to be controlled by--to be obedient to--our husbands.  Manu said that if we obey our husbands, we will be elevated with them at the time of death.  "If a wife obeys her husband, she will for that reason alone be exalted in heaven." (Ms 5.155) 

Men are naturally competitive, always wanting to win and be the best at something.  This is good, because they have to provide for their families.  To achieve this, they have to work hard.  Srila Prabhupada says that men are meant to work hard, outside the home.  "Man is meant for hard working..." (Discussions with Hayagriva dasa, Auguste Comte)  That's why Krsna gave them strong bodies, the inclination to provide and protect, and the detachment to spend long hours, days, weeks, months and years separated from their families while they work to provide for them.  This competitive spirit is another feature of how men think. And in relation to this, they like to be complimented by their beloved wives for their masculine qualities and achievements.  They like to be noted for the attributes and accomplishments that set them apart from other males in the competitive workplace. (Note: We wives need to appreciate and admire our husbands for their sacrifices and their victories, and we must learn to express our appreciation in words.  Be watchful to notice your husband's masculine qualities and achievements, and let him know how you appreciate him!)

Men are meant to be the guru, protector and provider for their wives and children, therefore Krsna has designed them to think of themselves as cast in that role and He has empowered them to perform these services for their families.  We must honor the office, the post, that our husbands occupy and respect their natural instincts to instruct, correct, protect, and provide.  

Sometimes because the husband thinks of himself as our guru and protector, he may instruct us to, for example, control our senses better.  He may ask us to hold back on eating too many sweets or on too much spending, or to avoid the association of someone he doesn't feel would be good company for us.  This is not only a product of his thinking but it is an important part of his duty as our husband.  We women are in charge of household affairs, but our husbands are in charge of us, and they naturally think in that way.  

Getting back to the topic of how it is very, very challenging for men to stop thinking about other beautiful women and restrict themselves to one and only one woman for an entire lifetime, recently, a friend of mine told me that her husband had become interested in another woman.  We talked for a while and she revealed that she was not aware of how difficult it is for a man to give up pursuing all the beautiful women of the world and restricting himself to associating with only one wife.  After our conversation, she has made a fresh determination to understand how her husband, as well as other men, think.  Her heart has become softer and more accepting and compassionate toward her husband as well as toward all men, especially those who are aspiring to become devotees.  Because of her deepened understanding of how men think, her husband now feels understood.  He feels encouraged to renew his vow of faithfulness to her.  He has made a fresh new start with stronger conviction to set a good example of chastity and faithfulness to his eka-patni, his one-and-only wife.