To follow the vows of the husband
[is one of] the four principles to be followed by women described as chaste.
Srimad-Bhagavatam, 7.11.25
What does it mean to follow the vows of the husband?
First, let's examine: what is a vow? It's a solemn promise by which a person is bound to an act, service or condition. (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary) According to Srila Prabhupada, for the wife to "follow the vow" of her husband means to follow his vratas, but he also makes it clear that it means more than just observing the same vratas as her husband.
In his purport to the above verse, Srila Prabhupada chooses to address first the principle that Narada Muni has chosen to list last: the point that a woman must follow the vows of her husband. Srila Prabhupada's opening sentence reads, "It is very important for peaceful householder life that a woman follow the vow of her husband." He warns: "Any disagreement with the husband's vow will disrupt family life." Why would it be so crucial that a wife follow the same vrata as her husband? Surely they could work things out, couldn't they?
Support His Mission
Srila Prabhupada intimates here that the word "vow" can also mean "mission or purpose." My husband recently communicated to me something along this line. He expressed that it is very important to him that I follow his vow--meaning that I imbibe his mood and don't oppose his plans. So I took that to mean that I should adopt a general mood of cooperation with my husband. It seems to be working.
As a married man, Srila Prabhupada had personal experience of his wife disagreeing with his vow, meaning his mission. In fact, she so misunderstood his purpose that without his permission, she secretly sold his precious Bhagavad-gita manuscript which he was working on to buy herself some tea and biscuits. This is an example of the depths to which a wife can stoop when she disagrees with or misunderstands her husband's vow, her husband's purpose. Radharani De also did not like to participate in preaching Krsna consciousness with her husband. Preaching Krsna consciousness was his mission and his heart's strongest desire. So Srila Prabhupada speaks from personal experience about how important it is for peaceful householder life that the wife follow the vow of her husband.
Obey Him
The word "vow" can also be related to the word "instruction." Remember when we took initiation from our Guru? What did we promise? We promised to chant at least sixteen rounds of the maha-mantra on our japa-mala every day. We promised to follow the four regulative principles: no meat eating, no gambling, no intoxication and no illicit sex. Our spiritual master asked these things of us, and we made a vow to comply. So in other words, our guru gave us an instruction, and we promised to carry it out. We try to do that. We try to carry out his instruction--to obey him--every day of our lives. That is our vow to our spiritual master. Because the husband is pati-guru, we must also consider what he tells us to do, what he instructs us to do, as a vow which he has given us to follow. When he gives us an instruction, we're supposed to follow it. That the wife should be obedient to the husband is an age-old principle that's found in all bona fide religious systems. In keeping with this injunction is a statement in Manu-smrti: "A woman should never do anything independent, not even in her own house." The wife is considered to be the first student of the husband in his asrama. If she fails to obey him, how can the asrama operate smoothly?
First, let's examine: what is a vow? It's a solemn promise by which a person is bound to an act, service or condition. (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary) According to Srila Prabhupada, for the wife to "follow the vow" of her husband means to follow his vratas, but he also makes it clear that it means more than just observing the same vratas as her husband.
In his purport to the above verse, Srila Prabhupada chooses to address first the principle that Narada Muni has chosen to list last: the point that a woman must follow the vows of her husband. Srila Prabhupada's opening sentence reads, "It is very important for peaceful householder life that a woman follow the vow of her husband." He warns: "Any disagreement with the husband's vow will disrupt family life." Why would it be so crucial that a wife follow the same vrata as her husband? Surely they could work things out, couldn't they?
Support His Mission
Srila Prabhupada intimates here that the word "vow" can also mean "mission or purpose." My husband recently communicated to me something along this line. He expressed that it is very important to him that I follow his vow--meaning that I imbibe his mood and don't oppose his plans. So I took that to mean that I should adopt a general mood of cooperation with my husband. It seems to be working.
As a married man, Srila Prabhupada had personal experience of his wife disagreeing with his vow, meaning his mission. In fact, she so misunderstood his purpose that without his permission, she secretly sold his precious Bhagavad-gita manuscript which he was working on to buy herself some tea and biscuits. This is an example of the depths to which a wife can stoop when she disagrees with or misunderstands her husband's vow, her husband's purpose. Radharani De also did not like to participate in preaching Krsna consciousness with her husband. Preaching Krsna consciousness was his mission and his heart's strongest desire. So Srila Prabhupada speaks from personal experience about how important it is for peaceful householder life that the wife follow the vow of her husband.
Obey Him
The word "vow" can also be related to the word "instruction." Remember when we took initiation from our Guru? What did we promise? We promised to chant at least sixteen rounds of the maha-mantra on our japa-mala every day. We promised to follow the four regulative principles: no meat eating, no gambling, no intoxication and no illicit sex. Our spiritual master asked these things of us, and we made a vow to comply. So in other words, our guru gave us an instruction, and we promised to carry it out. We try to do that. We try to carry out his instruction--to obey him--every day of our lives. That is our vow to our spiritual master. Because the husband is pati-guru, we must also consider what he tells us to do, what he instructs us to do, as a vow which he has given us to follow. When he gives us an instruction, we're supposed to follow it. That the wife should be obedient to the husband is an age-old principle that's found in all bona fide religious systems. In keeping with this injunction is a statement in Manu-smrti: "A woman should never do anything independent, not even in her own house." The wife is considered to be the first student of the husband in his asrama. If she fails to obey him, how can the asrama operate smoothly?
Srila Prabhupada offers an alternative, more positive scenario than what he went through as a married man: "In this regard, Cänakya Pandita gives a very valuable instruction: dampatyoh kalaho nästi tatra srih svayam ägatäh. When there are no fights between husband and wife, the goddess of fortune automatically comes to the home." (SB 7.11.25 Ppt) Srila Prabhupada concludes the same purport with a piece of valuable advice: "A woman's education should be conducted along the lines indicated in this verse." Srila Prabhupada felt that these instructions--which Narada Muni gave to King Yudhisthira and which include the admonition that a wife should follow the vows of her husband--were so important that they should be a required part of the education of every girl!
Back to understanding the word "vow" to mean "vrata:" depending on our particular life circumstances, we can take the instruction to follow the vow of the husband literally to mean that the wife follows the same spiritual vows as the husband. In our case, as initiates of Srila Prabhupada or his disciples, to follow the vow of our husband means to daily chant at least sixteen rounds of the maha-mantra (Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare / Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare) plus whatever other sadhana or austerities our husband is inspired to, able to, and vows to, perform. It means following the various Vaisnava fast days such as Ekadasi and other holy days as well. If the husband chooses to fast completely on Ekadasi, the wife can also do this if she has the strength, if she is not pregnant or breastfeeding, and if her husband gives her permission to do so.
Act as the Husband Acts
We can also take "following the vow of the husband" to mean "acting exactly as the husband acts." This is what Srila Prabhupada writes in the word-for-word synonyms before the translation of the above verse. So in lieu of following the husband's vrata, if a wife is not able to do so, she can try to behave the way her husband behaves, or at least, the way he would like her to behave.
A sincere, devoted husband and a faithful, obedient wife create a solid relationship based on Krsna consciousness. But sometimes, due to extenuating circumstances, the wife is not able to follow a certain vrata that her husband has adopted. If the wife is unable to physically follow the same vrata as her husband, she still benefits by supporting and encouraging her husband in the performance of his vow, by following his instructions, and by behaving in ways that please her husband. She still earns great blessings by cooperating with the vow of her husband, even if she is unable to follow his vow exactly. When a husband performs austerities and vratas in Krsna consciousness for the pleasure of the Lord, this brings great merit to both the husband and the wife; thus, whether the wife is able to follow the same vows and austerities or not she is benefited. Srila Prabhupada explains: "The relationship between husband and wife is firmly established when the wife is faithful and the husband sincere. Then even if the wife, being weaker, is unable to execute devotional service with her husband, if she is chaste and sincere she shares half of her husband's activities."
When the wife assists, supports and encourages the husband in the execution of his vows, though she may not be able to participate in the same activities or to the same degree as her husband in pursuit of his vows, at least he will feel supported and encouraged by her in his vratas. An example of this is in regard to fasting on Ekadasi. If it's too difficult for the wife to perform her other services nicely while fasting, she should discuss with her husband what is the greater principle in his eyes: to fast along with him, even if it means her health and her other services are compromised, or to honor phalahara (Ekadasi) prasadam while supporting and cooperating with her husband in his fasting. I have a dear friend whose husband follows a nirjala fast every Ekadasi, but due to health issues, she is not able to do his vrata with him. So she cooks for their Deities, serves her children prasadam, and then takes simple phalahara prasadam quietly and discreetly by herself. In this way, she respects her husband's vow and supports him, but at the same time, tends to her own needs.
Act as the Husband Acts
We can also take "following the vow of the husband" to mean "acting exactly as the husband acts." This is what Srila Prabhupada writes in the word-for-word synonyms before the translation of the above verse. So in lieu of following the husband's vrata, if a wife is not able to do so, she can try to behave the way her husband behaves, or at least, the way he would like her to behave.
A sincere, devoted husband and a faithful, obedient wife create a solid relationship based on Krsna consciousness. But sometimes, due to extenuating circumstances, the wife is not able to follow a certain vrata that her husband has adopted. If the wife is unable to physically follow the same vrata as her husband, she still benefits by supporting and encouraging her husband in the performance of his vow, by following his instructions, and by behaving in ways that please her husband. She still earns great blessings by cooperating with the vow of her husband, even if she is unable to follow his vow exactly. When a husband performs austerities and vratas in Krsna consciousness for the pleasure of the Lord, this brings great merit to both the husband and the wife; thus, whether the wife is able to follow the same vows and austerities or not she is benefited. Srila Prabhupada explains: "The relationship between husband and wife is firmly established when the wife is faithful and the husband sincere. Then even if the wife, being weaker, is unable to execute devotional service with her husband, if she is chaste and sincere she shares half of her husband's activities."
When the wife assists, supports and encourages the husband in the execution of his vows, though she may not be able to participate in the same activities or to the same degree as her husband in pursuit of his vows, at least he will feel supported and encouraged by her in his vratas. An example of this is in regard to fasting on Ekadasi. If it's too difficult for the wife to perform her other services nicely while fasting, she should discuss with her husband what is the greater principle in his eyes: to fast along with him, even if it means her health and her other services are compromised, or to honor phalahara (Ekadasi) prasadam while supporting and cooperating with her husband in his fasting. I have a dear friend whose husband follows a nirjala fast every Ekadasi, but due to health issues, she is not able to do his vrata with him. So she cooks for their Deities, serves her children prasadam, and then takes simple phalahara prasadam quietly and discreetly by herself. In this way, she respects her husband's vow and supports him, but at the same time, tends to her own needs.
Other examples of vows which the husband may follow are these: if he is twice-initiated and he chants Gayatri three times a day, if the wife has also taken brahminical initiation then she can do this as well. If the husband feels strongly that he must attend (at a temple) or conduct (at home) the full ISKCON morning program or evening program or both--or whatever he feels is important for his spiritual life and the spiritual lives of his wife and children--the wife can also try her best to follow the same vow.
Following the vow of the husband means, therefore, to follow the same vrata as our husband to the best of our ability, while making sure that we preserve our health and our capacity to perform our other services. It also means to follow his instructions--to obey him--and to follow his example. This is what is meant by the term "to act as he acts."
Be Practical
As stated above, to follow the vow of the husband also means to be generally agreeable toward the husband. It means cooperating with him in his desires and his endeavors. When a purpose-driven man asks his wife to cooperate with him to achieve his ends, the last thing he wants is a whiney, complaining, contrary, or lazy wife. Such a woman drags a man down and discourages him from achieving his goals.
Be Practical
As stated above, to follow the vow of the husband also means to be generally agreeable toward the husband. It means cooperating with him in his desires and his endeavors. When a purpose-driven man asks his wife to cooperate with him to achieve his ends, the last thing he wants is a whiney, complaining, contrary, or lazy wife. Such a woman drags a man down and discourages him from achieving his goals.
We women may have good reason to beg off of being involved in our husband's pursuits of his dreams. We may have health challenges or feel incapable of doing what he asks us to do. Or we may already have so much to do ourselves that we don't have time or energy for more. For instance, we may have young children who need their mother's attention, and we may feel it's all we can do to perform our own sadhana and at the same time keep our house clean, the laundry washed, the meals cooked, the errands run and the children bathed, fed, clothed, healthy and educated. And if we have animals, our responsibilities increase even more. What to speak of if we work at a job either outside the home or a job inside the home. This can be extremely taxing for a woman, and may prevent her from being able to follow her husband's vow.
Sometimes the husband has a mission to fulfill. If we are already more than fully engaged, it may not be practical for us to physically participate in our husband's endeavors toward attainment of his goals. In this type of scenario, we should do our very best to make time for our husband's requests that he places upon us, but also to be honest with him and explain how we are already overburdened and feel honestly at a loss as to how to fit another thing in. Since men are solution-oriented, he may make a suggestion to help us manage our time better. We can try our very best to follow his suggestion, but if something crucial suffers--our health, our sadhana, our children's welfare--we must let him know that although we appreciate his time-management suggestion, it is not working, probably due to our own weakness or shortcoming. He will likely appreciate our humility and honesty, and may respond one of five ways:
(1) He may offer another time-management suggestion
(2) He may pitch in and help out himself to lighten our workload
(3) He may choose to hire some help for us
(4) He may find someone else to help him in his project
or
He may even decide to put off the pursuit of his goal until a future time when our life circumstances change and our time is freed up to be able to assist him in reaching his goal.
Make Sacrifices
(1) He may offer another time-management suggestion
(2) He may pitch in and help out himself to lighten our workload
(3) He may choose to hire some help for us
(4) He may find someone else to help him in his project
or
He may even decide to put off the pursuit of his goal until a future time when our life circumstances change and our time is freed up to be able to assist him in reaching his goal.
Make Sacrifices
If the issue it not time or health, it may be inclination. We women each have our own personality, our own tastes, our own needs, our own desires and perhaps even our own dreams and goals that we want to pursue. Our husband's mission or project or vow may be something we're just plain not interested in participating in. If that's the case, we should be willing to make sacrifices. After all, human life is meant for sacrifice, and what are we trying to do, anyway? Are we trying to completely uncover our love for Krsna in this very lifetime, or are we thinking that our own dreams and goals are more important than attaining pure Krsna consciousness? Who are we trying to please, anyway? Are we trying to please Krsna or satisfy our own egos? For us to support our husband in his vows and his mission is actually more pleasing to Krsna than to pursue our own dreams and goals, even if our own dreams and goals are perfectly able to be dovetailed in the service of Krsna. Krsna knows our hearts and our inclinations. He will make time for us eventually to pursue our own goals and dreams.
We must have the faith that Krsna knows us. He knows our hearts, He knows our desires, and He knows how much we want to employ our talents, our dreams, our goals in His service. We should have the faith that if we throw ourselves into serving our husbands, wholeheartedly supporting their goals and pursuits, their vows and their mission, that Krsna will eventually give us the time and space and energy to also do what we want to do in His service. We must have the faith that this will happen, according to Krsna's perfect timing.
At the same time, we must be resigned to the possibility that Krsna may not want us to do some particular service that we are very much attached to doing, that we are very much hankering to do. In order to purify our hearts, He may have us do something that is a little different--or maybe even very different--from what we actually want to do for Him. But we should have faith that Krsna knows our heart's desire and that He is arranging everything for us to become completely purified of all material desires and truly happy.
Seek to Understand
We must have the faith that Krsna knows us. He knows our hearts, He knows our desires, and He knows how much we want to employ our talents, our dreams, our goals in His service. We should have the faith that if we throw ourselves into serving our husbands, wholeheartedly supporting their goals and pursuits, their vows and their mission, that Krsna will eventually give us the time and space and energy to also do what we want to do in His service. We must have the faith that this will happen, according to Krsna's perfect timing.
At the same time, we must be resigned to the possibility that Krsna may not want us to do some particular service that we are very much attached to doing, that we are very much hankering to do. In order to purify our hearts, He may have us do something that is a little different--or maybe even very different--from what we actually want to do for Him. But we should have faith that Krsna knows our heart's desire and that He is arranging everything for us to become completely purified of all material desires and truly happy.
Seek to Understand
If we disagree with or feel lack of enthusiasm to support our husband's vow, it's okay to humbly ask him for help in understanding him and his mission. (It helps to facilitate
communication with our husband when we take the humble position.) We may choose to tactfully explain that we understand how he is very enthusiastic about his vow or his purpose, but that possibly due to some shortsightedness or weak-heartedness on our part, we do not have quite the same enthusiasm as he does to help him achieve his particular goal. We may honestly admit that we have some deficiency in this regard, and ask him to kindly bear with our lack of understanding. We can ask him to kindly explain his vision to us. To ask a humble question is proper. Srila
Prabhupada once told his disciples that to challenge a superior by
respectfully asking a question is not offensive. We want to understand our husband's heart and cooperate with his mission. We just need some help to get on board! When our husband explains his mission to us, we should give him our full, undivided attention and try to really understand his heart as he speaks about his dreams and goals. We can at that time again express our desire to support him in the pursuit of his dreams, explaining that we understand how it feels to have dreams and goals, because after all, we have them ourselves. (At this point, even if he is open and willing to hear about our plans, we should not share them. We are trying to understand his desires and goals right now, so unless and until he feels fully supported by us in his purpose, we should hold off on talking with him about our own projected plans.)
According to the arrangement of the Supreme Lord Krsna, we wives are dependent on our husbands for everything. All blessings come through the husband. It is good to be aware of this and to express it in words to our husband. It is also good to express to our husband that we are willing to do whatever it takes to help him achieve his goals. Even if it feels a little artificial or contrived to say so, that is all right. We're not being dishonest. We're being tactful, employing a little diplomacy. Srila Prabhupada said that there is much diplomacy in marriage, but diplomacy used in the service of the Lord is a kind of devotional service. Approaching our husband with humility and a desire to improve in our understanding, acceptance and support of his vow and his mission is pleasing to both our husband and to the Lord. Our husband will be grateful and feel supported, and by such a cooperative mood, we will attract the attention of the Lord.
According to the arrangement of the Supreme Lord Krsna, we wives are dependent on our husbands for everything. All blessings come through the husband. It is good to be aware of this and to express it in words to our husband. It is also good to express to our husband that we are willing to do whatever it takes to help him achieve his goals. Even if it feels a little artificial or contrived to say so, that is all right. We're not being dishonest. We're being tactful, employing a little diplomacy. Srila Prabhupada said that there is much diplomacy in marriage, but diplomacy used in the service of the Lord is a kind of devotional service. Approaching our husband with humility and a desire to improve in our understanding, acceptance and support of his vow and his mission is pleasing to both our husband and to the Lord. Our husband will be grateful and feel supported, and by such a cooperative mood, we will attract the attention of the Lord.
We should make our husband's vows, goals and mission number one in our life. If we are lacking in enthusiasm, drive, and ambition to help our husband achieve his goals, he may sense our reticence. But Krsna is always there, and Krsna can help us. We can pray to Krsna to help us give up our hesitation and to be blessed with the necessary understanding and enthusiasm to support and assist our husband in his life's purpose. Srila Prabhupada wrote to one lady disciple, "So you should simply do whatever your husband instructs you to do, however he may require your assistance." (Letter to Sucharya, October 23, 1972) Clear, honest communication while observing proper protocol is helpful to both the husband and the wife. If we humbly admit to our husband that we don't yet feel the strength of enthusiasm that he does about a particular project or goal, but that we would like to be enthusiastic and supportive, he will probably appreciate our honesty. If we ask him to help us to know how to support him in his endeavors, he will likely feel supported just by such a humble, submissive inquiry. Just by talking about it with him, our own hearts are likely to gradually begin to feel more supportive of him and his mission.
In conclusion, to follow the vow of the husband means
(1) to follow the vratas of the husband. When the wife is unable to follow the vrata of her husband, it means
(2) to assist him in the performance of his vrata, to support him mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically. It means to speak encouraging words, and to congratulate him on the completion of his vows. It means to desire to follow his vows, even if we can't follow them ourselves at the present time. And as soon as we're able, we should follow his vows to the best of our ability. Aside from the literal meaning of following vratas, to follow the vow of the husband also means
(3) to support him, to be enthusiastic and encouraging toward him in regard to his life's purpose or mission, as he sees it. It means
(4) to "simply do whatever your husband instructs you to do, however he may require your assistance." In other words, it means to be generally agreeable, obedient and cooperative with the husband in daily life as well as in the pursuit of his life's mission, toward the ultimate gain of spiritual perfection.
"A faithful wife is supposed to cooperate with her husband in fulfilling all material desires so that he can then become comfortable and execute spiritual activities for the perfection of life." (SB 3.14.17 Ppt)
(1) to follow the vratas of the husband. When the wife is unable to follow the vrata of her husband, it means
(2) to assist him in the performance of his vrata, to support him mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically. It means to speak encouraging words, and to congratulate him on the completion of his vows. It means to desire to follow his vows, even if we can't follow them ourselves at the present time. And as soon as we're able, we should follow his vows to the best of our ability. Aside from the literal meaning of following vratas, to follow the vow of the husband also means
(3) to support him, to be enthusiastic and encouraging toward him in regard to his life's purpose or mission, as he sees it. It means
(4) to "simply do whatever your husband instructs you to do, however he may require your assistance." In other words, it means to be generally agreeable, obedient and cooperative with the husband in daily life as well as in the pursuit of his life's mission, toward the ultimate gain of spiritual perfection.
"A faithful wife is supposed to cooperate with her husband in fulfilling all material desires so that he can then become comfortable and execute spiritual activities for the perfection of life." (SB 3.14.17 Ppt)
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