Healthy Krsna Conscious Marriage

                                             These three items, namely charity, sense control 
                                   and performance of sacrifice, are meant for the householder.
                                                                                                             Bg. 16.1-3, Purport

 

Srila Prabhupada taught us some practical principles for maintaining a healthy, Krsna conscious marriage.  He explained that first and foremost we must see our spouse as part and parcel of Krsna, and our children as well, and serve them with that thought in mind.  Even more specifically, husbands are enjoined to meditate on their wives as Krsna’s property—even as Krsna’s gopis—and wives are recommended to see their husbands as the Supreme Lord. 

For us ladies, this is a powerfully purifying meditation.  By always seeing our husband as the Supreme Lord and our children as eternal servants of Krsna, we will naturally always think of Krsna.  By always thinking of Krsna, our natural affection for Him will grow, which is the goal of life.  As Srila Prabhupada quoted many times, to always remember Krsna and never forget Him is the most important of all the Vedic instructions: smartavyah satatam visnur / vismartavyo na jätucit  “Krsna is the origin of Lord Visnu. He should always be remembered and never forgotten at any time." (Padma Purana)  

Not only does Srila Prabhupada recommend that we always think of Krsna and never forget Him, but we should understand that we have duties prescribed for us by Lord Krsna as well.  

There are prescribed duties for the husband: to serve and obey his guru, to engage in sacrifice along with his wife, to act as guru to his wife (Bhag. 3.24.5 Purport) and children to the degree that he sees to it that they escape the cycle of samsara and return to the spiritual world (Lecture, SB 7.6.1, S.F. 3/3/67), to protect and provide for his family, to work hard (See Discussions with Hayagriva, Auguste Comte), to host Vaisnavas and brahmanas by enlivening them with kirtan, krsna-prasadam and krsna-katha in his home (Lecture, SB 1.2.5, Aligarh, 10/9/76), to always welcome anyone who comes to his door as if that person were God Himself and to offer that person prasadam, or at the very least to offer him a comfortable sitting place, water and sweet words, to support the brahmanas, sannyasis, and brahmacaris as if they were his own children, to call out on the road, "If anyone is hungry, please come and eat!" whenever prasadam is prepared in his home, and to keep his wife happily engaged in the service of the Lord, blessing her with children and providing clothing and ornaments with which she can adorn her body.  He should also give in charity to deserving persons according to his means. (See SB 1.9.27, Ppt)  

There are prescribed duties for the wife, too.  She should serve her husband with love, according to time and circumstance, however he requires her service.  She should remain always favorably disposed toward her husband.  She should be equally well-disposed toward her husband's family and friends.  She should follow the vows of her husband.  She must dress herself nicely and decorate herself with gold ornaments for the pleasure of her husband.  She should always wear clean and attractive garments.  She should sweep and clean the household with water and other liquids so that the entire house is always pure and clean.  She is to collect the household paraphernalia.  She should keep the house always aromatic with incense and flowers, and be ready to execute the desires of her husband.  She should be modest and truthful, in control of her senses, and should speak pleasing words.  She should not be greedy, but should be satisfied in all circumstances.  She must be expert in handling household affairs.  She should understand religious principles, and, holding Srimati Laksmi devi as her ideal, she should follow in Laksmi's devi's lotus footsteps. (SB 7.11.25-29)

We aspiring Vaisnavas of the current day don't have many living examples of Krsna conscious couples whom we can observe first-hand and from whom we can learn the details of proper interactions between husband and wife.  We're pretty much pioneers, learning from books and from trial-and-error.  But by Srila Prabhupada's mercy, we have been given enough information to at least know and apply the basics.  By the merciful guidance of Lord Paramatma, Guru, shastra and sadhu, we can work out the details in our own individual marriages.  We are fortunate to have the basics of our duties clearly laid out for us.  Now it is up to us to execute the details of those duties, depending on Guru and Krsna to guide us from within and without.  The basic duties of husbands and wives, once understood, are then to be performed, and offered to Guru and Krsna with love.   

One example of an ideal Krsna conscious family man was Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur.  He not only offered all his family-related activities to Krsna, but he also actually offered his wife and children to Krsna.  In his song “Manasa Deha Geha” from Saranagati, he wrote,

     mänasa deho geho jo kichu mor

       arpilu tuwä pade nanda-kisor

     sampade vipade jivane-marane

       däy mama gelä tuwä o-pada barane

"Mind, body, and family, whatever may be mine, I have surrendered at Your lotus feet, O youthful son of Nanda!"  Srila Prabhupada has encouraged us to follow in the footsteps of Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur by offering our family-related service, nay, our family itself, as a sacrifice for the pleasure of the Lord.  If we do so, although we are engaged in what appears to be the ordinary mundane scenario of marrying another conditioned soul and raising the children who result from that union, by always remembering Krsna and contemplating how to offer our daily activities to Krsna, we become purified of lust and sex desire.  Thus, the whole process of Krsna conscious marriage becomes a powerful tool to catapult us out of this material realm and send us flying back to the spiritual world.  Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur concludes by admitting that Krsna Himself and His lotus feet are actually his only object of love and shelter: “Father, mother, lover, son, Lord, preceptor and husband; You are everything to me!” and because of his full surrender, all his problems have been transcended.  “In good fortune or in bad, in life or at death, all my difficulties have disappeared by choosing those feet of Yours as my only shelter." (Songs of the Vaisnava Acaryas, BBT, 1989, p. 45)

One of my favorite examples of an ideal wife is Devahuti.  She served her husband Kardama Muni with intimacy and great respect, with unflagging enthusiasm and love.  Her service to her husband is exemplary.  Because she had been brought up a princess in a palace, she was not used to living outdoors.  But because her husband was a yogi living in the forest, she happily accepted his way of life.  Without complaining, she assisted her husband in every detail of his life, to the point of becoming emaciated and sickly herself.  Such reverence and affectionate service to the husband is exceptional. (See SB 3.23.2-5)

Although there is no pure love in material relationships because they are based on sense-gratificatory desires springing from the bodily concept of existence, still, we can try to offer whatever we do and say and think and perceive within our material affairs--our family-related duties--as a sacrificial offering of love to the Supreme Lord Krsna.  Thus we can become purified of the bodily concept of life even while performing our prescribed duties within this material realm.  That is the key to a healthy Krsna conscious marriage.