Real love is only with God.
--A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami
--A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami
We are all looking for love. Why are we looking for love? Because love is what is natural to us. In the spiritual world, where we came from, love is the dynamic, the essence of every relationship. But we have somehow or other come to this material world. In the material world, where we have come to forget Krsna and to pretend that we are the enjoyers, there is no prema, no real love.
Real love, or prema, is completely selfless. It is, by definition, only possible in relationship with the Supreme Lord Sri Krsna. “Pure love is simply to satisfy the desires of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Therefore in the material world the love, word ‘love,’ is misused. The propensity of lusty desires is going on as love. Real love is only with God—individually, collectively, any way. And that Krsna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead, He is the supreme object of love, either by adoration or by serving or making friendship with Him, or loving Him as child, or loving Him as beloved—there are five different relationships: sänta, däsya, säkhya, vätsalya, mädhurya—that is real love.” (Srila Prabhupada’s Discussions with Hayagriva dasa: Kierkegaard)
Real love, or prema, is completely selfless. It is, by definition, only possible in relationship with the Supreme Lord Sri Krsna. “Pure love is simply to satisfy the desires of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Therefore in the material world the love, word ‘love,’ is misused. The propensity of lusty desires is going on as love. Real love is only with God—individually, collectively, any way. And that Krsna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead, He is the supreme object of love, either by adoration or by serving or making friendship with Him, or loving Him as child, or loving Him as beloved—there are five different relationships: sänta, däsya, säkhya, vätsalya, mädhurya—that is real love.” (Srila Prabhupada’s Discussions with Hayagriva dasa: Kierkegaard)
Srila Prabhupada used to cite an example. He described how if a single rock is thrown into a pond, the waves that emanate from that rock’s entrance into the water form concentric circles around the spot where the rock entered the water. When many rocks are thrown into the pond at once, they fall in different places and the waves created by each rock collide with each other. Those waves create what are called eccentric circles.
In the spiritual world, where everyone is Krsna conscious—completely in love with Krsna—Krsna is the center of everyone’s life, heart, and service. Therefore, because Krsna is the one and only center, there is complete agreement among all the souls there. Thus their interests are like concentric circles of waves emanating from a single rock thrown into a pond.
In the material world, everyone is competing for the position of Supreme Enjoyer, a position which they (we) cannot have because that position belongs to Krsna and Krsna alone. Because everyone in the material world wants to enjoy separately from Krsna, we are all competing with one another, or colliding, like eccentric circles. Thus the analogy of concentric vs. eccentric circles on the surface of a pond compares nicely to the difference between souls in spiritual consciousness and souls in material consciousness. The only way to get all of our circles to stop colliding with each other is to understand, to realize, that Krsna is the Supreme Enjoyer and the Supreme Object of Love. Whether among people in general or between two people joined in marriage, that consciousness of Krsna being the supreme enjoyer and the supreme object of love has to be there. Otherwise, our circular waves will continue to clash.
In the spiritual world, where everyone is Krsna conscious—completely in love with Krsna—Krsna is the center of everyone’s life, heart, and service. Therefore, because Krsna is the one and only center, there is complete agreement among all the souls there. Thus their interests are like concentric circles of waves emanating from a single rock thrown into a pond.
In the material world, everyone is competing for the position of Supreme Enjoyer, a position which they (we) cannot have because that position belongs to Krsna and Krsna alone. Because everyone in the material world wants to enjoy separately from Krsna, we are all competing with one another, or colliding, like eccentric circles. Thus the analogy of concentric vs. eccentric circles on the surface of a pond compares nicely to the difference between souls in spiritual consciousness and souls in material consciousness. The only way to get all of our circles to stop colliding with each other is to understand, to realize, that Krsna is the Supreme Enjoyer and the Supreme Object of Love. Whether among people in general or between two people joined in marriage, that consciousness of Krsna being the supreme enjoyer and the supreme object of love has to be there. Otherwise, our circular waves will continue to clash.
Many of us feel that we have truly loved someone in this realm. But Srila Prabhupada reveals that true love, or prema, can only be experienced in relationship with God. “…Real love—individual, collective, or any other kind—applies only to God.” (Discussions with Hayagriva, quoted from BTG, #12-10, 1977 “From Despair to Love”) Although we experience a variety of emotions in our relationships with other souls in this world (even an emotion which, in English, we call “love”), and although we are always hoping for perfect happiness in those relationships—especially marital relationships—we instead often experience frustration, loneliness, and the conundrum of being misunderstood.
Srila Prabhupada honestly admitted that here in the material world we are struggling to find love, but we are constantly frustrated, life after life. On the subject of marriage, he explains that love in the material world is impossible, for in the material world, everyone is interested only in his own sense gratification. “The love experienced between a man and a woman is not actually love but lust, because both parties are interested only in their own sense gratification. [Pure] love means that one does not think of his own sense gratification but of the sense gratification of his beloved. That is pure love. But that pure love is not possible in the material world.” (Ibid.)
Srila Prabhupada says that when we speak of love in the material world, we are actually misusing the word. He says that lustful desires take the place of real love. “Here, a boy and girl love. They say ‘love,’ but no, it is not love. The boy wants to satisfy his senses, and the girl wants to satisfy her senses. That's all. Therefore, ätmendriya-priti-vänchä. Everyone is trying to satisfy [his or] her own senses.” (Lecture, S.B. 2.3.1-3, L.A., 5/22/72) This desire to satisfy one’s own temporary material senses is known as lust.
So what is marriage, really? Instead of a romantic, lifelong, "happily ever after" honeymoon, or a venue in which a couple experience pure, selfless love, marriage is actually something different. Marriage is defined by Srila Prabhupada as being a religious duty ordained by God to be performed for the purpose of purifying our hearts of lust. Srila Prabhupada writes, “In the material world there is no question of love. Marriage is actually a duty performed in mutual cooperation as directed in the authoritative scriptures for spiritual advancement.” (S.B. 3.14.19 Purport) He does admit that there is some semblance of love, but he explains that this experience that we call “love” in this material world is actually a perverted reflection of real love. Real love—even conjugal love—is found in the selfless interchange of service between God and His devotee. In fact, Krsna is the source of all types of relationships, including conjugal relationships. Some devotees serve God, or Krsna, in a conjugal relationship. “So if there is a question of love…a man loving a woman and woman loving a man, that is in God. It must be there. Otherwise wherefrom it has come? But that is pure and here it is impure on account of this material contamination. The thing is there but it is contaminated. Therefore you feel frustration.” (Bg. 3.27, Lecture, Melbourne, 6/27/74) He concludes by explaining what an intelligent person does who is looking for actual true love: “So intelligence is…why shall I remain in this contaminated position? I shall go to the pure platform. That is Krsna consciousness.” (Ibid.)
Srila Prabhupada recognized that we have the propensity and the tendency to love, but he explains that unless that propensity for loving is directed toward Krsna, we will continue to be frustrated. “We have got the propensity to love…Prema. Premä pumartho mahän. So we have got this loving propensity, to love somebody, to love my family. First of all, love begins from family—father, mother, brother, sister. Then you extend your love to your society, to your community, then to your nation. Or you can extend to the international. You can expand. But what is the end? You can expand yourself, but unless you come to the point of loving the Supreme Person, you cannot have tranquillity or peace of mind. That is the secret.” (Lecture, S.B. 1.2.6, 11/12/73, Delhi)
Although Srila Prabhupada said different things about love in this material world, we need to understand the basic fact that he communicated to us: that real love is centered on Krsna, and that the so-called love in this material world is either lust or something kind of like love but not actually real love. Real love, in its true form, is in relation with Krsna. We need to understand and accept this fact. Otherwise, we'll always be frustrated in marriage, thinking and hoping that it's going to be something that it's never going to be. The thing is there but it is contaminated. Therefore you feel frustration. What we are looking for when we accept a marriage partner is unconditional love and fulfillment. These are not to be had in the material world with another jiva soul. Unconditional love and complete fulfillment are only there in our eternal relationship with the Supreme Lord. But marriage, if centered on endeavoring to become Krsna conscious ourselves and helping our spouse to grow in Krsna consciousness, can be an effective stepping-stone toward Krsna-prema.
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