Don't Drive Your Husband Away

 ...If you do not assist him 

and be very obedient to his welfare, 

then he may become disgusted and go away...

We wives have a heavy responsibility to keep our husbands happy at practically any cost. I say "practically" because there are caveats. But those are a topic for another day. If we take Srila Prabhupada's words in his purport to Srimad-Bhagavatam 9.3.10 literally--"According to the Vedic law, however, there is no such thing as divorce laws"--divorce is not an option.

Recently in Vrndavana I met with two of my Godsisters who have both been married for over thirty years. One of the ladies commented, "You know why we've stayed married for so long? Because we didn't get divorced!" We all concurred that for each of us, divorce was never an option.

Although in Vedic culture divorce does not exist, Canakya Pandita says that if a man has no mother at home and his wife has a mean face, he should go to the forest because living in the forest, although difficult, is easier than living with a mean wife. Srila Prabhupada also warned us through a letter to Sudevi that "...if you do not assist [your husband] and be very obedient to his welfare, then he may become disgusted and go away." We have to be very careful not to drive our husbands away by failing to assist them as they require.

But in my experience, there is more to it than "assisting husbands as they require." For instance, men not only like, but need, to be complimented. Helen Andelin, author of Fascinating Womanhood, recommends complimenting one's husband often, even daily. She says men need encouragement in the form of compliments (also known as admiration or appreciation) just as we women need encouragement in the form of warm, loving hugs, sympathetic listening, and affirmation of the struggles we encounter in trying to be good wives and mothers. Mrs. Andelin points out that men especially like to be recognized for their masculine qualities (strength, intelligence, decisiveness, practicality, etc.) and achievements (e.g., success in their work, completion of a difficult task, accuracy in balancing financial books, victory over competitors, skillful driving, etc.). They like to hear how well they did, or at least they like to know that their wives appreciate their valiant efforts to conquer.

Men are also visually inspired. When they come home from a hard day's work, they like to see their wives looking beautiful. Or at least, neat and clean. After all, our husbands are made in the image and likeness of Krsna, so just as Krsna likes to see His servants looking attractive, our husbands like to see us looking attractive. Srila Prabhupada said that we are Krsna's servants, and we should look the part. "Krsna does not like ugly gopis." We may not be naturally very beautiful, but we can inspire our husbands to stay around if we at least try to look pretty. "A wife should never present herself before the husband in an unclean state. She must decorate herself with ornaments and good dress and should always be present before the husband in a happy and joyous mood." (SB 1.11.31 Ppt) If we neglect our appearance and fail to make an effort to keep ourselves clean, attractive-looking and cheerful for our husbands, they may lose interest and start to look elsewhere to satisfy their strong need to see someone happy and joyous when they come home from working hard and seeing all the grumpy faces out there in the world.

Not only looking pretty and being cheerful can help us keep our husbands satisfied, but good behavior is also attractive. Conversely, bad behavior can cause men to become disgusted and go away. The Srimad-Bhagavatam predicts that in Kali-yuga, women will become addicted to over-eating, they will fail to take proper care of their children, they will behave in a bold, bossy, audacious manner, they will speak harshly, steal, and lie. "Women will become much smaller in size, and they will eat too much, have more children than they can properly take care of, and lose all shyness. They will always speak harshly and will exhibit qualities of thievery, deceit and unrestrained audacity." (SB 12.3.34) Even though Kali-yuga began comparatively recently, it has already become so degraded that I have personally seen many, many women who match the description of Kali-yuga women given in this verse. If we want to inspire our husband to leave us, we can become like the women of Kali-yuga who are described in the above verse, and we will surely cause our husbands to "become disgusted and go away." If, on the other hand, we want to encourage our husbands to stay and continue to advance in their Krsna consciousness, we can adopt good behavior as recommended in the scripture.

Another Godsister I met while in Vrndavana quipped that a few of us, including me, had "lucked out" in getting good husbands. Good luck is only part of the picture. Although I admit that all those ladies present during that conversation including myself have good husbands, one shouldn't automatically assume that when someone has a long-standing marriage, that it means she is just lucky. She may be very fortunate, by Krsna's grace, to even have a husband, what to speak of a devotee husband, but anyone who has a good, long-standing marriage will admit that for most couples, it takes hard work and a great deal of patience, tolerance and innumerable other forgiving qualities to be able to bring one's marriage over time to the category of "good." As a friend of mine says, "It takes thirty years to make a good marriage." That implies that it takes time and patience, determination and commitment. Rather than attributing a successful marriage to good luck, the more likely analysis is that both husband and wife have worked hard to keep their marriage together by trying to understand each other, by cultivating a loving, caring, selfless service attitude toward each other, by year after year continuing to follow the recommendations of guru, sastra and sadhu for serving Guru and Krsna together, and by trying always to keep each other happy, and therefore their marriage is not only still intact, but growing richer over time.

So what are the recommendations of guru, sadhu and sastra for keeping a marriage happy and healthy? We'll start with the husband's duties.

It is the husband's responsibility to keep his vow to protect and provide for his wife and children as well as to train them in Krsna consciousness. He should perform his duties faithfully, not that when there is some disagreement between him and his wife, he blames his wife unfairly for his own unhappiness and goes away just to get away from her even though she is a dutiful wife. Srila Prabhupada writes, "Marriage between husband and wife means that the husband must forever be responsible for the wife's well-being and protection in all cases. That does not mean that now there is agreement between us, therefore I am responsible, but as soon as there is some disagreement then I immediately flee the scene and become so-called renounced." (Letter to Sudevi, 15 September, 1972) As we have seen from past ISKCON history, a man who leaves his wife on the plea of becoming "renounced" often ends up feeling needy for the association of woman again and taking another wife. Then what is the meaning of either his marriage vow or his vow of renunciation? Both are simply a farce. "You don't need a pole to preach." (Srila Prabhupada to Bahulasva) Instead of abandoning his duty as the pati-guru of his wife on the plea of increasing his preaching, a married man who wants to be Krsna conscious and spread Krsna consciousness should go on endeavoring to protect his wife by giving her spiritual guidance according to his own realization. And he must do his duty, like it or not. Srila Prabhupada goes on, "Whether your husband likes to take responsibility as your spiritual guide or not, that does not matter. He must do it. It is his duty because he has taken you as his wife. Therefore he must take full responsibility for you the rest of his life." For the rest of his life. That's a heavy responsibility. And our men must take it seriously.

Srila Prabhupada then puts the ball back in the wife's court. "And you also must agree to serve him under all circumstances and assist him in every way so that he may make advancement in Krsna Consciousness." My husband often says that the reason why he and I are still together after thirty-four years is that I am trying to help him become Krsna conscious and he is trying to help me become Krsna conscious. We try to always keep loving service to Guru and Krsna as the centerpoint of our marriage. Prabhupada tells Sudevi how the wife benefits by encouraging her husband in Krsna consciousness. "By his making advancement in Krsna Consciousness, automatically the wife will make advancement in the husband's footsteps." Then he gives an admonition: "But if you do not assist him and be very obedient to his welfare, then he may become disgusted and go away."

How does a wife prevent this from happening? She must live in Krsna consciousness and apply all of the principles of a chaste wife in her life as far as possible. There are numerous instructions given for women, some of the most clear and simple being those enumerated by Sri Narada Muni in the Srimad-Bhagavatam, 7th Canto, Verses 25-29: "To render service to the husband, to be always favorably disposed toward the husband, to be equally well disposed toward the husband's relatives and friends, and to follow the vows of the husband—these are the four principles to be followed by women described as chaste. A chaste woman must dress nicely and decorate herself with golden ornaments for the pleasure of her husband. Always wearing clean and attractive garments, she should sweep and clean the household with water and other liquids so that the entire house is always pure and clean. She should collect the household paraphernalia and keep the house always aromatic with incense and flowers and must be ready to execute the desires of her husband. Being modest and truthful, controlling her senses, and speaking in sweet words, a chaste woman should engage in the service of her husband with love, according to time and circumstances. A chaste woman should not be greedy, but satisfied in all circumstances. She must be very expert in handling household affairs and should be fully conversant with religious principles. She should speak pleasingly and truthfully and should be very careful and always clean and pure. Thus a chaste woman should engage with affection in the service of a husband who is not fallen." Then Narada Muni offers a sruti-phala for the woman who follows the above instructions faithfully: "The woman who engages in the service of her husband, following strictly in the footsteps of the goddess of fortune, surely returns home, back to Godhead, with her devotee husband, and lives very happily in the Vaikuëöha planets."

Unhappy women often site the last sentence of the above scriptural passage, seeking to understand whether their husbands rank in the category of "fallen," thus giving those women an out, and excuse to leave their husbands. This kind of mental categorizing usually takes place when the woman is angry or disgusted with her husband and wants to justify leaving him. Srila Prabhupada gives a clear answer to those who inquire: a fallen husband is one who is addicted to the four pillars of sinful life, namely, gambling, meat-eating, intoxication and illicit sex. If your husband is not addicted to these four sinful activities, better to stay with him and keep serving him and praying for him until he becomes the pure devotee Krsna wants him to be. We are not perfect either, so we should always, first and foremost, keep working on ourselves, too.

Both husband and wife must give full energy to helping each other become Krsna conscious and each must practice maximum humility, tolerance and patience toward maintaining harmony in their marriage. Srila Prabhupada says, "So there must be mutual responsibility by both parties, and now that you are married couple there is no question of your separation, but you must both strive very hard to serve Krsna together in harmony."

Back to us women: why is it so often mentioned that the onus is largely on the wife to maintain peace in the marriage? A woman by nature desires that the atmosphere in her home remain peaceful. She is also endowed with the ability to adjust to circumstances, to ride out tough times, and to be respectfully quiet and sympathetic when her husband has had a tough day.

Men, on the other hand, are by nature achievers. They are endowed with a competitive spirit that assists them in accomplishing what they need to accomplish in order to steadily support their families. A husband who does his duty properly by providing for his wife and children has a huge burden on his shoulders. If he fails in his efforts to provide the basic necessities of life for his family, he becomes mortified and feels that he has failed in life. Therefore, at all costs, the responsible man is prepared to give his life-blood to make sure his dependents are fed, clothed and sheltered. It is especially difficult in Kali-yuga to provide for a family. In fact, it is said that if a man is able to accomplish this one endeavor of providing for a wife and children, he is extraordinary. But it takes practically his entire being, his whole consciousness, his full attention, to achieve this monumental task. So how can he put his energies which are already spent competing in the world to provide for his family toward also keeping his family peaceful? That is the bottom-line reason why the wife is given the responsibility for maintaining peace in the family. She has the nature of a peacemaker, so the challenge of keeping peace naturally falls on her. She must therefore control her own emotions, tolerate the inconveniences of married life and take care of her husband's (and children's) needs, always carefully performing her duties while remaining prayerful in Krsna consciousness. "What are these nonsense emotions that cause you to go this way and that way? The real thing is your duty." (Letter to Sudevi, 15 September, 1972)

Although the letter we have been quoting from was written to Sudevi, at the end, Srila Prabhupada speaks to both the husband and the wife, "Now you are married couple, you know what your duty is, so best thing is to perform your duty and always think of Krsna. Never mind some temporary inconveniences, we must remain steady in our duty to Krsna." (Ibid.)

We may be so-called lucky, or we may not. The real thing is our duty. And part of our duty as women is to understand the temperament of our husband, adjust ourselves according to his mood, and please him by our cooperative service. The story of Cyavana Muni and Sukanya is an inspiring one for women who may or may not feel so lucky husband-wise. "Cyavana Muni was very irritable, but since Sukanyä had gotten him as her husband, she dealt with him carefully, according to his mood. Knowing his mind, she performed service to him without being bewildered. (SB 9.3.10) Srila Prabhupada writes in his purport to this verse, "This is an indication of the relationship between husband and wife. A great personality like Cyavana Muni has the temperament of always wanting to be in a superior position."

This quality is not exclusive to Cyavana Muni. It is actually natural among men that they want to post themselves in a superior position in relation to their wives. Srila Prabhupada not only says that this is natural but he also instructs that it "must be observed." That specifically means that it must be accepted by the wife as a natural instinct of her husband. Srila Prabhupada goes on, "Such a person cannot submit to anyone. Therefore, Cyavana Muni had an irritable temperament." This is a very interesting observation by Srila Prabhupada. He is essentially saying here that a person who always wants to be in a superior position and who cannot submit to anyone has an irritable temperament!!

So what can a woman do who is married to a man who fits this description? Prabhupada writes, "His wife, Sukanyä, could understand his attitude, and under the circumstances she treated him accordingly." This may sound simplistic, but the meaning is deep. The message here is that, if we understand the attitude, the temperament, the mood, the personality of our husband, and adjust ourselves accordingly, we will achieve victory in our marriage. And really, if you think about it, how else can there be peace in household life? Srila Prabhupada instructs, "If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband's temperament and please him. This is victory for a woman."

We may have the tendency to always want to prove that we are right, especially when there is a misunderstanding between our husband and us. Prabhupada advises, "Even in the dealings of Lord Kåñëa with His different queens, it has been seen that although the queens were the daughters of great kings, they placed themselves before Lord Kåñëa as His maidservants." This is the secret. To always think of ourselves as a servant of our husband is a fail-safe like no other. Srila Prabhupada goes on, "However great a woman may be, she must place herself before her husband in this way; that is to say, she must be ready to carry out her husband's orders and please him in all circumstances. Then her life will be successful." We must remind ourselves of this injunction daily and try to live by it. Then our life will be successful.

What can drive a husband away? A mean face, a critical mentality, gossip about our husbands, laziness, cruel words, arguing with our husbands, over-eating, lack of good mothering, audacity, loud, brazen, bossy behavior, lying, stealing, uncleanliness and slovenly appearance. There are many things that can drive a husband away, and we must strive to avoid these negative behaviors and qualities or we may end up alone. We wives must remain patient even when our husbands are temporarily cruel, unkind, or even just in a slump. Srila Prabhupada warns, "When the wife becomes as irritable as the husband, their life at home is sure to be disturbed or ultimately completely broken." (SB 9.3.10 Ppt) Srila Prabhupada writes in the same purport, "In the modern day, the wife is never submissive, and therefore home life is broken even by slight incidents. Either the wife or the husband may take advantage of the divorce laws. According to the Vedic law, however, there is no such thing as divorce laws, and a woman must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband. Westerners contend that this is a slave mentality for the wife, but factually it is not; it is the tactic by which a woman can conquer the heart of her husband, however irritable or cruel he may be." (Ibid.)

Srila Prabhupada concludes that although Cyavana Muni was old enough to be Sukanyä's grandfather and was also very irritable, Sukanyä, the beautiful young daughter of a king, submitted herself to her old husband and tried to please him in all respects. Thus she was a faithful and chaste wife. And Cyavana Muni felt so indebted to her for her good behavior that he not only stuck around, but he was blessed with the power to become youthful and handsome just to satisfy his chaste wife.