It is general etiquette that superiors are not to be offered even a verbal fight.
~Srila Prabhupada
The Vedic conception of an ideal marriage is one in which the husband is in the position of teacher, provider, protector, and servant-leader, while the wife is understood to be his lover, friend, assistant, advisor, maidservant, and the mother of his children. For success in marriage, Srila Prabhupada recommended that we husbands and wives follow in the footsteps of Lord Narayana, the perfect husband, and Mother Laksmi, the perfect wife.
The Vedic conception of an ideal marriage is one in which the husband is in the position of teacher, provider, protector, and servant-leader, while the wife is understood to be his lover, friend, assistant, advisor, maidservant, and the mother of his children. For success in marriage, Srila Prabhupada recommended that we husbands and wives follow in the footsteps of Lord Narayana, the perfect husband, and Mother Laksmi, the perfect wife.
Men should work hard to provide for their families, and women should look after the comforts of the husband and children. "Woman is meant for certain duties; man is meant for [certain duties]... Man is meant for hard working, and woman is meant for homely comfort, love." (Discussions with Hayagriva; Auguste Comte) In another place, Srila Prabhupada says, "Man is meant for outside. Woman is meant for inside." He further explains, "So both of them, if they are situated in their respective duties under proper training, then this combination of man and woman will help both of them to make progress in spiritual life." A man should educate and guide his family members toward a life of service to Krsna. This instruction can be found implicit in the admonition, "Çrémad-Bhägavatam (5.5.18) says that 'One should not become a father, one should not become a mother, one should not become a spiritual master, one should not become a guardian, one should not become a husband...' In this way they have given a long list. Who? Who is that one? 'One who cannot give his dependents relief from death.' Samupeta-måtyuù. Na mocayed yaù samupeta-måtyuù: 'One who cannot make free his dependents.' What is that freedom? 'Freedom from the cycle of birth and death.' " (SP Lecture 3/3/67, San Francisco) Husbands should remain dedicated servants of their Gurus, maintaining their vows, and whatever spiritual realizations and knowledge they are blessed with, they should impart to their wives and children. They should give in charity to deserving souls and should care for brahmacaris and sannyasis as they would their own children. "...Brahmacärés and sannyäsés are entitled to enjoy the property painstakingly accumulated by householders..." (SB 11.8.16)
Ladies should follow in the footsteps of Laksmi devi, the Goddess of Fortune. Laksmi devi regards Her husband, Lord Narayana, as Her Supreme Lord. She perfectly fills the role of His lover, friend and servant. She massages His feet, dresses Herself attractively for His pleasure, speaks sweet words to Him, and is always ready to satisfy Him in every way. “Mother Laksmiji, the goddess of fortune, is well known for always massaging the lotus feet of Lord Näräyana. She is an ideal wife because She takes care of Lord Näräyana in every detail. She takes care not only of His lotus feet but of the household affairs of the Lord as well. She cooks nice foods for Him, fans Him while He eats, smooths sandalwood pulp on His face and sets His bed and sitting places in the right order. In this way She is always engaged in the service of the Lord, and there is hardly any opportunity for any other devotee to intrude upon His daily activities.” (SB 4.20.28 Ppt)
Laksmi devi is the ideal wife. And Lord Narayana is the ideal husband. Laksmi and Narayana are always happy in Their married life. When a wife follows Laksmi devi’s example, her husband feels inspired to execute his own husbandly and fatherly duties nicely. Mother Laksmi Herself then becomes attracted by the peaceful atmosphere created by such a sincere, well-behaved couple, and She chooses to reside in that home in the form of prosperity and auspiciousness. "Where there is no fighting between husband and wife, the Goddess of fortune comes to live in that home." (Niti-shastra, III.21)
Of course, no matter how hard one tries to be happy and free from distress in this material world, there is no way to completely avoid problems. “The path of this material world is full of material miseries, and various troubles disturb the conditioned souls.” (SB 5.14.38) People buy insurance to guard against this trouble and that trouble, but there is not a type of insurance one can buy to guarantee that there will be no disagreements in marriage or difficulties in family life.
This material realm is certified as dukhalayam (full of miseries). Although this material realm is fraught with problems, and marriage—even between two Vaisnavas—is not without strife, nonetheless, because Lord Sri Krsna is all-merciful, He arranges for a little relief for souls in this world who are willing to abide by His orders. Just as He mercifully came as Dhanvantari to dispense the elixir of Ayurveda to reduce our suffering in this world caused by diseases, He also offers recommendations in the scriptures for how husband and wife can live together peacefully.
In the Vedic literatures, Lord Sri Krsna has given us instructions how to carry on in our wedded life so that friction is minimized and peace and harmony are maximized. For example, He has inspired Sri Narada Muni to instruct us through the medium of the Srimad-Bhagavatam how cultured gentlemen and chaste women should behave. From SB 7.11.8 to SB 7.15.67, Narada Muni instructs King Yudhisthira about the duties of human beings. He concludes his lengthy narration by emphasizing the most important goal of human life, to devote one's life to the loving service of Lord Sri Krsna: "O King, one should perform his occupational duties according to these instructions, as well as other instructions given in the Vedic literature, just to remain a devotee of Lord Kåñëa. Thus, even while at home, one will be able to reach the destination." (SB 7.15.67)
Naturally, even for dutiful members of society, there are sometimes difficulties in the execution of duties. Sometimes there are impediments generated by others, such as our spouse, our children, our boss, our professor. In married life, we need to learn how to deal with such obstacles so that our minds can remain relatively peaceful and calm. We need to arrange our lives so that our sadhana and devotional activities in the service of Lord Krsna can continue for the pleasure of the Lord. We need to learn strategies to help us keep our relationships as amicable as possible so that when bumps arise in the road, we can remain equipoised and our marriages can remain stable and strong.
Because this blog is for ladies, I will share some ideas that may be helpful to my sisters out there. By learning a few simple tools we can often mitigate disturbances in our service and help ourselves and our spouses stay focused in our duties. Some examples of "bumps" I've experienced in my own marriage are listed below with strategies that have worked for me:
1. When the husband is irritated, the wife can remain quiet and let him "blow off some steam" while she internally prays for him to cool down and see things in proper perspective.
2. When the husband unfairly blames the wife for something she did not do, and expects her to apologize for what she knows she did not do, she can quietly, respectfully say something like, "I know that is not what happened, so I'm just keeping quiet for now." Then she can humbly, quietly go about her business while praying for him to understand the facts of the matter.
3. When the wife does or says something that offends the husband, she can immediately and sincerely apologize and ask for forgiveness.
4. When the wife unknowingly offends her husband and she cannot understand why he is angry, she can immediately apologize to her husband and pray to Krsna to help her see her mistake.
5. When the husband is upset about something that has nothing to do with his wife, she can help him get through his difficult time by remaining quiet and letting him "have his space," letting him be "in his cave" for as long as he needs, until he is ready to "come out."
Aside from the above five suggestions, there are two practices that help me keep my relationship with my husband respectful:
1. Every morning I offer my humble obeisances to my husband.
2. Every night I give my husband a foot massage. It is said that there is nothing so beneficial for a wife as the water that has washed her husband's feet. Sometimes I offer to clean his feet before massaging them. Afterward, I rub his foot-dust on my head.
3. I refrain from calling my husband by his name. Instead, I use an honorific title like "Prabhu" or "Pati."
In this regard, Srila Prabhupada writes that the practice of a chaste wife refraining from calling her husband by name preserves the respectful dynamic required between husband and wife. "According to the Vedic civilization, a wife cannot call her husband by name. In the present civilization the wife calls her husband by name, but in Hindu civilization she does not. Thus the inferiority and superiority complexes are recognized." (SB 3.23.2 Ppt)
4. Although I don't personally do this because my husband doesn't like it, a wife can also fan her husband while he's taking prasadam. This is mentioned often in the scriptures as a pleasing service to be rendered to a superior.
Another thing a wife can do to help herself maintain an attitude of humility toward her husband is to memorize passages that refer to the dynamic of guru-disciple relationship present in marriage. For example, she can:
1. Remember the purport of SB 3.23.2 wherein Srila Prabhupada writes, "The husband always wants to post himself as superior to the wife, and this must be observed."
2. Meditate on Madhvacarya's instruction that a wife should regard her husband as the Supreme Lord.
3. Periodically read Srimad-Bhagavatam 9.3.10 in which the example of Cyavana Muni and Sukanya is given. In the purport, Srila Prabhupada elucidates the method by which a wife can "conquer the heart of her husband." It's helpful to read this purport from time to time, if not daily. Srila Prabhupada writes, "This is an indication of the relationship between husband and wife. A great personality like Cyavana Muni has the temperament of always wanting to be in a superior position. Such a person cannot submit to anyone. Therefore, Cyavana Muni had an irritable temperament. His wife, Sukanyä, could understand his attitude, and under the circumstances she treated him accordingly. If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband's temperament and please him. This is victory for a woman. Even in the dealings of Lord Kåñëa with His different queens, it has been seen that although the queens were the daughters of great kings, they placed themselves before Lord Kåñëa as His maidservants. However great a woman may be, she must place herself before her husband in this way; that is to say, she must be ready to carry out her husband's orders and please him in all circumstances. Then her life will be successful. When the wife becomes as irritable as the husband, their life at home is sure to be disturbed or ultimately completely broken. In the modern day, the wife is never submissive, and therefore home life is broken even by slight incidents. Either the wife or the husband may take advantage of the divorce laws. According to the Vedic law, however, there is no such thing as divorce laws, and a woman must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband. Westerners contend that this is a slave mentality for the wife, but factually it is not; it is the tactic by which a woman can conquer the heart of her husband, however irritable or cruel he may be. In this case we clearly see that although Cyavana Muni was not young but indeed old enough to be Sukanyä's grandfather and was also very irritable, Sukanyä, the beautiful young daughter of a king, submitted herself to her old husband and tried to please him in all respects. Thus she was a faithful and chaste wife."
It is also helpful to remember that in a traditional guru-disciple relationship, the disciple must always be ready and willing to be corrected, as it is, after all, the guru's duty to correct his disciple. Because the wife is described in sastra as being the "student" of her husband, she should also be aware that he will from time to time be offering words of correction. In this regard there is another suitable passage worth committing to memory. On a morning walk on April 8, 1975 in Mayapur, Srila Prabhupada strongly admonished those of us who want to achieve perfection in our guru-seva to be ready always for correction. "So disciple should be always ready to be chastised. He should not think that he has become perfect. That is perfection. So long he thinks that he is not perfect, [that] he's to be chastised, then he's perfect. And as soon as he thinks that he has become perfect, he's nonsense immediately. Nonsense number one." This can also be memorized and frequently called to mind to help us maintain an attitude of acceptance of our role as disciple of our husband.
My husband once said in a class, “There is a great art of how man and woman can live together happily.” We Vaisnavas can follow certain guidelines that can help us keep our minds peaceful and our hearts inspired to execute our duties nicely. For us wives, when our husband's minds and our own minds are calm, this creates the most conducive, friendly atmosphere possible for cultivating Krsna consciousness. When their parents are interacting peacefully, helping each other grow in Krsna consciousness, the children are also encouraged to devote their lives to Krsna.
In the Vedic literatures, Lord Sri Krsna has given us instructions how to carry on in our wedded life so that friction is minimized and peace and harmony are maximized. For example, He has inspired Sri Narada Muni to instruct us through the medium of the Srimad-Bhagavatam how cultured gentlemen and chaste women should behave. From SB 7.11.8 to SB 7.15.67, Narada Muni instructs King Yudhisthira about the duties of human beings. He concludes his lengthy narration by emphasizing the most important goal of human life, to devote one's life to the loving service of Lord Sri Krsna: "O King, one should perform his occupational duties according to these instructions, as well as other instructions given in the Vedic literature, just to remain a devotee of Lord Kåñëa. Thus, even while at home, one will be able to reach the destination." (SB 7.15.67)
Naturally, even for dutiful members of society, there are sometimes difficulties in the execution of duties. Sometimes there are impediments generated by others, such as our spouse, our children, our boss, our professor. In married life, we need to learn how to deal with such obstacles so that our minds can remain relatively peaceful and calm. We need to arrange our lives so that our sadhana and devotional activities in the service of Lord Krsna can continue for the pleasure of the Lord. We need to learn strategies to help us keep our relationships as amicable as possible so that when bumps arise in the road, we can remain equipoised and our marriages can remain stable and strong.
Because this blog is for ladies, I will share some ideas that may be helpful to my sisters out there. By learning a few simple tools we can often mitigate disturbances in our service and help ourselves and our spouses stay focused in our duties. Some examples of "bumps" I've experienced in my own marriage are listed below with strategies that have worked for me:
1. When the husband is irritated, the wife can remain quiet and let him "blow off some steam" while she internally prays for him to cool down and see things in proper perspective.
2. When the husband unfairly blames the wife for something she did not do, and expects her to apologize for what she knows she did not do, she can quietly, respectfully say something like, "I know that is not what happened, so I'm just keeping quiet for now." Then she can humbly, quietly go about her business while praying for him to understand the facts of the matter.
3. When the wife does or says something that offends the husband, she can immediately and sincerely apologize and ask for forgiveness.
4. When the wife unknowingly offends her husband and she cannot understand why he is angry, she can immediately apologize to her husband and pray to Krsna to help her see her mistake.
5. When the husband is upset about something that has nothing to do with his wife, she can help him get through his difficult time by remaining quiet and letting him "have his space," letting him be "in his cave" for as long as he needs, until he is ready to "come out."
Aside from the above five suggestions, there are two practices that help me keep my relationship with my husband respectful:
1. Every morning I offer my humble obeisances to my husband.
2. Every night I give my husband a foot massage. It is said that there is nothing so beneficial for a wife as the water that has washed her husband's feet. Sometimes I offer to clean his feet before massaging them. Afterward, I rub his foot-dust on my head.
3. I refrain from calling my husband by his name. Instead, I use an honorific title like "Prabhu" or "Pati."
In this regard, Srila Prabhupada writes that the practice of a chaste wife refraining from calling her husband by name preserves the respectful dynamic required between husband and wife. "According to the Vedic civilization, a wife cannot call her husband by name. In the present civilization the wife calls her husband by name, but in Hindu civilization she does not. Thus the inferiority and superiority complexes are recognized." (SB 3.23.2 Ppt)
4. Although I don't personally do this because my husband doesn't like it, a wife can also fan her husband while he's taking prasadam. This is mentioned often in the scriptures as a pleasing service to be rendered to a superior.
Another thing a wife can do to help herself maintain an attitude of humility toward her husband is to memorize passages that refer to the dynamic of guru-disciple relationship present in marriage. For example, she can:
1. Remember the purport of SB 3.23.2 wherein Srila Prabhupada writes, "The husband always wants to post himself as superior to the wife, and this must be observed."
2. Meditate on Madhvacarya's instruction that a wife should regard her husband as the Supreme Lord.
3. Periodically read Srimad-Bhagavatam 9.3.10 in which the example of Cyavana Muni and Sukanya is given. In the purport, Srila Prabhupada elucidates the method by which a wife can "conquer the heart of her husband." It's helpful to read this purport from time to time, if not daily. Srila Prabhupada writes, "This is an indication of the relationship between husband and wife. A great personality like Cyavana Muni has the temperament of always wanting to be in a superior position. Such a person cannot submit to anyone. Therefore, Cyavana Muni had an irritable temperament. His wife, Sukanyä, could understand his attitude, and under the circumstances she treated him accordingly. If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband's temperament and please him. This is victory for a woman. Even in the dealings of Lord Kåñëa with His different queens, it has been seen that although the queens were the daughters of great kings, they placed themselves before Lord Kåñëa as His maidservants. However great a woman may be, she must place herself before her husband in this way; that is to say, she must be ready to carry out her husband's orders and please him in all circumstances. Then her life will be successful. When the wife becomes as irritable as the husband, their life at home is sure to be disturbed or ultimately completely broken. In the modern day, the wife is never submissive, and therefore home life is broken even by slight incidents. Either the wife or the husband may take advantage of the divorce laws. According to the Vedic law, however, there is no such thing as divorce laws, and a woman must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband. Westerners contend that this is a slave mentality for the wife, but factually it is not; it is the tactic by which a woman can conquer the heart of her husband, however irritable or cruel he may be. In this case we clearly see that although Cyavana Muni was not young but indeed old enough to be Sukanyä's grandfather and was also very irritable, Sukanyä, the beautiful young daughter of a king, submitted herself to her old husband and tried to please him in all respects. Thus she was a faithful and chaste wife."
It is also helpful to remember that in a traditional guru-disciple relationship, the disciple must always be ready and willing to be corrected, as it is, after all, the guru's duty to correct his disciple. Because the wife is described in sastra as being the "student" of her husband, she should also be aware that he will from time to time be offering words of correction. In this regard there is another suitable passage worth committing to memory. On a morning walk on April 8, 1975 in Mayapur, Srila Prabhupada strongly admonished those of us who want to achieve perfection in our guru-seva to be ready always for correction. "So disciple should be always ready to be chastised. He should not think that he has become perfect. That is perfection. So long he thinks that he is not perfect, [that] he's to be chastised, then he's perfect. And as soon as he thinks that he has become perfect, he's nonsense immediately. Nonsense number one." This can also be memorized and frequently called to mind to help us maintain an attitude of acceptance of our role as disciple of our husband.
My husband once said in a class, “There is a great art of how man and woman can live together happily.” We Vaisnavas can follow certain guidelines that can help us keep our minds peaceful and our hearts inspired to execute our duties nicely. For us wives, when our husband's minds and our own minds are calm, this creates the most conducive, friendly atmosphere possible for cultivating Krsna consciousness. When their parents are interacting peacefully, helping each other grow in Krsna consciousness, the children are also encouraged to devote their lives to Krsna.
Peaceful marriage is necessary for successful family life, and children naturally derive great benefit from observing their parents interacting amicably. They also benefit by seeing how their mother deals respectfully with their father and lets him have the dignity he deserves as the leader of the family. By her example, she demonstrates to her children that she regards their father as her superior. "The husband is a very intimate friend; therefore, the wife must render service just like an intimate friend, and at the same time she must understand that the husband is superior in position, and thus she must offer him all respect. A man's psychology and woman's psychology are different. As constituted by bodily frame, a man always wants to be superior to his wife, and a woman, as bodily constituted, is naturally inferior to her husband. Thus the natural instinct is that the husband wants to post himself as superior to the wife, and this must be observed." (SB 3.23.2 Ppt)
A wife who refrains from fighting with her husband and who treats him respectfully and obediently shows her children by her example that a superior is not to be offered even a verbal fight. (See Bg 2.4 Ppt) Not only do the children benefit during their formative years by seeing their mother's respectful behavior toward their father and their father's reciprocal, dutiful guidance of his family members toward life's ultimate goal of Krsna consciousness, but later in life, as married people, grown children can draw on the example of their parents to make their own marriages and families successful and peaceful in the service of Krsna.
Quarrel-free marriage may not be possible for all of us aspiring Vaisnavas, especially in this Age of Quarrel, Kali-yuga, in which the entire atmosphere is permeated with bellicosity. But Srila Prabhupada's teachings reveal secrets of how husbands and wives can behave in ways that can help them cultivate respect for each other. Mutual respect can help ward off major battles in marriage—or at least tone them down, if not avoid them entirely—thus creating a congenial atmosphere for the successful performance of our duties and the nurturing of our individual and combined (as a couple and as a family) Krsna consciousness. A wife who refrains from fighting with her husband and who treats him respectfully and obediently shows her children by her example that a superior is not to be offered even a verbal fight. (See Bg 2.4 Ppt) Not only do the children benefit during their formative years by seeing their mother's respectful behavior toward their father and their father's reciprocal, dutiful guidance of his family members toward life's ultimate goal of Krsna consciousness, but later in life, as married people, grown children can draw on the example of their parents to make their own marriages and families successful and peaceful in the service of Krsna.
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