To render service to the husband,
to be always favorably disposed toward the husband,
to be equally well-disposed toward the husband's relatives and friends
and to follow the vows of the husband,
these are the four principles to be followed by women described as chaste.
~Srimad-Bhagavatam 7.11.25
In another post, we discussed what it means to render service to the husband. The second principle, to be "always favorably disposed toward the husband" is discussed in the page titled "Become His Ever-Well-Wisher."
Let's now explore the third principle, that of being "equally well-disposed toward the husband's relatives and friends." The first person who comes to mind is Draupadi. Queen Draupadi, the wife of the five Pandavas, was exemplary in her service to Srimati Kunti devi, her mother-in-law. She never showed preference over Kunti devi in any way. She always deferred to Mother Kunti in every appropriate area. For instance, when there was a question of enjoying some tasty food or drink, she would offer it to Kunti devi before taking any herself. Draupadi herself tells Satyabhama, the wife of Lord Sri Krsna: "Personally do I wait every day with food and
drink and clothes upon the revered and truthful Kunti--that mother of heroes.
Never do I show any preference for myself over her in matters of food and
attire, and never do I reprove in words that princess equal unto the Earth
herself in forgiveness...I never
speak ill of my mother-in-law...Those duties that my mother-in-law had told me of in
respect to relatives, as also the duties of alms-giving, of offering worship to
the gods, of oblations to the diseased, of boiling food in pots on auspicious
days for offering to ancestors and guests of reverence and service to those
that deserve our regards, and all else that is known to me, I always discharge
day and night, without idleness of any kind." (Mahabharata, Vana Parva 231, Draupadi-Satyabhama Samvada) Draupadi is an amazing example of chastity and selfless service to her husbands, but she is also irreproachable in her service to her mother-in-law Kunti, and to all those who are friends and relatives of the five Pandava brothers. She considers it her sacred duty to her husbands to treat their relatives and friends as if they are as dear to her as they are to her husbands.
On the other side of the coin, if one's husband is not on good terms with someone, we should not show preference to that person. Even if that person is our friend, if that person has wronged our husband in some way, we should try to see that person from our husband's point of view and restrain ourselves from further intimate association with that person. "You should always keep yourself aloof from those that are hostile
against your lord, those that seek to injure Him and those that are addicted to
deceit." (Draupadi to Satyabhama, Mahabharata, Vana Parva, 232)
The point is that associating intimately with someone who feels inimical toward our husband is dangerous to the health of the tender little plant we're trying to grow in our heart, the tree of devotion for our husband. It is also dangerous to associate with women who feel inimical toward their own husbands. Draupadi continues, "You should form friendships only with highborn and sinless females who are devoted to their lords and you should always avoid the association of wrathful women who are addicted to drink, who are gluttonous, thievish, wicked and fickle." (Ibid) Imagine two plants in the heart of a chaste Vaisnavi wife: one is the bhakti-lata, the creeper of devotion to Lord Sri Krsna, the fruit of which is our pure desire to render spontaneous, loving devotional service to Lord Sri Krsna. The other is the tender, vulnerable little fruit-bearing tree of devotion to our husband.
Canakya Pandit says that a woman finally becomes fully devoted to her husband in her old age. So during all the years of our marriage, by constantly nurturing that plant of devotion to our husband, while at the same time constantly nurturing our bhakti creeper, we will someday come to truly understand what it means to have devotion for Lord Sri Krsna as well as for our husband, whom we are instructed to see as our Supreme Lord.
Therefore, as our little plant grows, we need to protect it. The weeds that choke that little plant include what we will call the poisonous venukaa weed: the weed of associating with those who are hateful or inimical toward our husband or toward their husbands. Just as, under the heading of "giving up everything which is unfavorable for the service of the Lord,"* we give up the association of persons who are inimical toward Lord Sri Krsna, we must also be diligent to avoid the association of persons who are inimical toward our husband or toward their husband. Even if that person is a Vaisnava or a Vaisnavi, we should still avoid their company as far as possible. We can offer our respects from a distance, within our mind, but avoid unnecessarily associating with persons who are neglectful, hateful, abusive, critical, violent or inimical toward our husband, or in the case of a female, toward her own husband. In this way, we protect our tender little plants of love for our pati-guru, in the interest of also nurturing our bhakti creeper of devotion for Lord Krsna. Picture the two growing side by side in the heart of a devoted wife, and at last, joining together as one lovely, fruit-bearing tree.
*Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura writes, “The vow to accept everything favorable for the execution of devotional service; likewise, to reject anything unfavorable (emphasis mine); to be convinced that Lord Krsna will always give protection; to depend wholly on Krsna for everything; to always feel meek and humble; and to throw oneself at Lord Krsna's lotus feet—these are the six limbs of surrender." (Sri Harinama Cintamani, 13)
The point is that associating intimately with someone who feels inimical toward our husband is dangerous to the health of the tender little plant we're trying to grow in our heart, the tree of devotion for our husband. It is also dangerous to associate with women who feel inimical toward their own husbands. Draupadi continues, "You should form friendships only with highborn and sinless females who are devoted to their lords and you should always avoid the association of wrathful women who are addicted to drink, who are gluttonous, thievish, wicked and fickle." (Ibid) Imagine two plants in the heart of a chaste Vaisnavi wife: one is the bhakti-lata, the creeper of devotion to Lord Sri Krsna, the fruit of which is our pure desire to render spontaneous, loving devotional service to Lord Sri Krsna. The other is the tender, vulnerable little fruit-bearing tree of devotion to our husband.
Canakya Pandit says that a woman finally becomes fully devoted to her husband in her old age. So during all the years of our marriage, by constantly nurturing that plant of devotion to our husband, while at the same time constantly nurturing our bhakti creeper, we will someday come to truly understand what it means to have devotion for Lord Sri Krsna as well as for our husband, whom we are instructed to see as our Supreme Lord.
Therefore, as our little plant grows, we need to protect it. The weeds that choke that little plant include what we will call the poisonous venukaa weed: the weed of associating with those who are hateful or inimical toward our husband or toward their husbands. Just as, under the heading of "giving up everything which is unfavorable for the service of the Lord,"* we give up the association of persons who are inimical toward Lord Sri Krsna, we must also be diligent to avoid the association of persons who are inimical toward our husband or toward their husband. Even if that person is a Vaisnava or a Vaisnavi, we should still avoid their company as far as possible. We can offer our respects from a distance, within our mind, but avoid unnecessarily associating with persons who are neglectful, hateful, abusive, critical, violent or inimical toward our husband, or in the case of a female, toward her own husband. In this way, we protect our tender little plants of love for our pati-guru, in the interest of also nurturing our bhakti creeper of devotion for Lord Krsna. Picture the two growing side by side in the heart of a devoted wife, and at last, joining together as one lovely, fruit-bearing tree.
*Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura writes, “The vow to accept everything favorable for the execution of devotional service; likewise, to reject anything unfavorable (emphasis mine); to be convinced that Lord Krsna will always give protection; to depend wholly on Krsna for everything; to always feel meek and humble; and to throw oneself at Lord Krsna's lotus feet—these are the six limbs of surrender." (Sri Harinama Cintamani, 13)
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