Sacred Secret #4: Render Service to Your Husband

To render service to the husband, 

to be always favorably disposed toward the husband, 

to be equally well disposed toward the husband's relatives and friends, 

and to follow the vows of the husband—

these are the four principles to be followed by women described as chaste. 

                                                                                --Srimad-Bhagavatam 7.11.25

What does it mean to render service to the husband?  The wife serves the husband by keeping herself clean, well-groomed, and attractive to his eyes and mind.  She serves him by cooking delicious, healthy meals for him and having them ready on time.  She keeps his house clean, nicely decorated and aromatic with incense and flowers.  She serves him by keeping his clothes clean and neatly ready for him to wear.  She serves her husband with sweet words by complimenting him on his attributes and achievements.  She is especially vigilant to notice his masculine qualities and accomplishments, because she is aware of how important it is to him to be recognized by his wife for his masculine attributes and feats.  She serves him by remaining chaste and devoted to him and him alone among all men.  She serves him with good advice when it is warranted.  She gives him her full attention when he speaks and she obeys his instructions.  She bears his children and raises them as devotees of Krsna.  She assists him in whatever ways he requires her assistance.

The husband also serves the wife.  He serves her by protecting her, providing for her and guiding her in Krsna consciousness.  He shares his spiritual realizations with her and bestows upon her the gift of fearlessness by encouraging her to daily take shelter of Krsna's holy names and by teaching her how to transcend the bodily concept of life.  Husband and wife serve each other in an effort to bring each other closer to Krsna.  Because this blog is for women, we will focus on how the wife can render service to the husband in the most outstanding way, by becoming a first-class servant of her husband.  If a wife is very sincere, she can aspire and pray to become a first-class servant of her husband.  Part of practicing first-class service is to go the extra mile in the service of your husband.

First of all, what does it mean to be a first-class servant?  There are three kinds of servants.  They are described thusly by Srila Prabhupada:

1.  A first-class servant understands what his master wants before he asks, and does it without being asked. 

2.  A second-class servant willingly does what he is asked

3.  A third-class servant does his service begrudgingly, or does not do it at all. 

            "This is the first-class servant," Srila Prabhupäda said. "He does his service without being asked.  The second-class servant, you ask him and he does it.  The third-class servant, you ask him and he does it begrudgingly or doesn't do it at all." (Srila Prabhupada Uvaca, Srutakirti dasa, 39 Word Economy) 

            Ask yourself, What kind of servant am I?

Anucaräh means "those who can immediately understand the purpose of their master."  This is a great quality of a first-class servant.  Another way to describe a first-class servant is as we said above: that he knows his master so well that he can understand what his master wants before his master even asks.  The servant then acts to satisfy his master before being asked.
The wife who serves her Vaisnava husband imperceptibly reaps spiritual benefits as her husband makes spiritual advancement.  Devahuti served Kardama Muni with all her strength and enthusiasm, thus she earned great spiritual rewards.  "Devahüti engaged only in the service of Kardama Muni.  She was not supposed to be so advanced in austerity, ecstasy, meditation or Krsna consciousness, but, imperceptibly, she was sharing her husband's achievements, which she could neither see nor experience.  Automatically she achieved these graces of the Lord." (SB 3.23.7 Ppt)  She was so careful and thoughtful in her service, and served her husband Kardama Muni with such intensity that he became emotional when he saw her bedraggled appearance.  "Having served him for a long time, she grew weak and emaciated due to her religious observances.  Seeing her condition, Kardama, the foremost of celestial sages, was overcome with compassion and spoke to her in a voice choked with great love." (SB 3.23.5)

            Second-class service is very good

Srila Prabhupada instructed one mataji, “So you should simply do whatever your husband instructs you to do, however he may require your assistance.” (Letter to Saucarya, October 23, 1972)  This is perfect instruction.  It’s a perfect instruction for a wife who wants to be a second-class servant of her husband.  This instruction implies not the begrudging attitude of a third-class servant, but the willing, cheerful, positive and enthusiastic attitude of a wife who is obedient to her husband and who serves him according to his every request.  Some of us may never get beyond this point, and that’s okay.  Second-class service to a devotee husband in Krsna consciousness is very pleasing to the husband and to Lord Sri Krsna.  Second-class service by the wife for her husband is wonderful, admirable and laudable, and if the husband is first-class, by simply following her husband and honoring his vows, the wife of such a first-class husband makes tremendous spiritual advancement. 

Being a second-class servant of our husband is very good.  Some women never do what their husbands want, and many women are “fair-weather” servants who pick and choose which of their husbands’ desires they are willing to fulfill.  Many women, although they do what their husbands want, do it with a begrudging, pouting attitude.  When a wife does her duty begrudgingly, her husband feels drained of energy, she feels dissatisfied, and her children feel unhappy and rebellious, just like her.

Those unfortunate women who neglect their husbands’ desires or who fulfill some of their husbands’ desires but not all of them, bear the risk of losing their husbands.  Many of them end up with broken marriages and broken lives.  The husbands of these women suffer greatly, as well as the children.  No woman who neglects her husband’s needs can be happy. 

Sometimes, even sincere women who aspire to be first-class, chaste wives may experience an emotion which can best be described as “causeless unwillingness to serve.”  This is a phrase Srila Prabhupada coined to describe the kind of listlessness we may sometimes feel when the mode of ignorance overcomes us.  At these times, we may not have the wherewithal to be anything better than a third-class servant.  We may feel grumpy and lack enthusiasm.  We may resent some instruction our husband gives us and although we may make an effort to follow it, we may do it resentfully.  During these times, if we at least aspire and seek to render second-class service, that will be progress.  And Krsna will be pleased.  He will help us.  He will pull us through to the other side of our tamasic slump and lift our spirits up so that we can eventually resume our normal, happy, enthusiastic demeanor.   

Women who try to serve their husbands with 100% of their energy as their husbands ask them to are auspicious souls.  They are very fortunate.  They please Krsna by their positive service attitude and bring blessings upon their husbands, themselves and their children. 

A woman who fulfills her husband’s requests willingly and cheerfully does him a great service, and she benefits herself along with her children.  This is not to be minimized.  It is a rare soul in a woman’s body who keeps herself always ready to execute the requests of her husband.  This is one of the sacred secrets of the dharmapatnis, and for a woman, the path to success.  "Therefore if the husband is nice and the woman follows, woman becomes faithful and chaste to the husband, then their both life becomes successful."  (S.B. 1.3.17 Lecture, L.A., 9/22/72)

By no means seeking to denigrate the virtues of a second-class servant, we are nonetheless talking about becoming first-class servants of our husbands.  You may ask, why should we aspire to become first-class servants of our husbands, when second-class is good enough?  I answer, why not?

Becoming a first-class servant

"A first-class servant does his service without being asked," Srila Prabhupada said.  After many years of serving her husband willingly, cheerfully, enthusiastically, and obediently, a dharmapatni gradually comes to understand, by the grace of Lord Sri Krsna in His form as Paramatma within her heart, how to be a first-class servant of her husband.  

In the beginning of her marriage, a woman generally does not know her husband very well.  She does her best to serve him lovingly and dutifully, but she may sometimes make mistakes and accidentally displease him.  She may then experience a temporary feeling of defeat, failure or even just emotions that come from such defeat, such as apathy, depression, laziness or even despair.  These emotions arise from the modes of passion and ignorance, rajas and tamas.  They manifest because we are attached to the results of our endeavors.  Lord Sri Krsna in the Bhagavad-gita instructs us to perform our duties without being attached to the results, and these instructions go for us wives, too.  “You have a right to perform your prescribed duty,” Lord Krsna tells Arjuna, “but you are not entitled to the fruits of action.” (Bg. 2.47)

Srila Prabhupada explains in the purport: “Prescribed duties are activities enjoined in terms of one's acquired modes of material nature…The Lord advised that Arjuna…perform his prescribed duty without being attached to the result.” (Ibid.)  We must do our duty, faithfully and sincerely, enthusiastically and cheerfully--with detachment from the results--trying always to please Krsna by our actions and our attitude.  Then, eventually, if we strongly desire to become first-class servants of our husbands and work always with that aim in mind, Krsna will become so pleased with us that He will actually empower us to become first-class servants of our husbands.  He will empower us with the shakti to understand ahead of time what our husband will want, and how to satisfy him expertly without being asked.

To become a first-class servant of our husband is a lofty aspiration, and to achieve this siddhi, we must practice, practice, practice to serve our husbands lovingly, expertly, and pleasingly.  We must depend on Krsna completely to achieve success in every endeavor.  We must pray to Krsna to empower us to anticipate our husband’s every need, his every desire.  It will take time.  We must be patient with ourselves.  We must not give up and become hopeless, listless or apathetic.  We must not become complacent.  We should pray for the desire to be first-class servants of our husbands.  We should pray for courage and determination.  We must not give up.  We must keep trying.  Eventually, by Krsna’s grace, we will become expert at understanding and fulfilling our husband’s needs and desires by knowing them ahead of time.

Sacred Secrets

A woman who aspires to become a first-class servant of her husband understands the third of the sacred secrets: she regards her husband as the representative of the Supreme Lord in her life.  She demonstrates through her behavior, her words and her moment-to-moment endeavors, that she is eager to please her husband, whom she sees as the representative of the Supreme Lord in her life.  Sripada Madhvacarya even went so far as to say that a wife should see her husband as the Supreme Lord!  The woman who aspires to be a first-class servant of her husband anticipates her husband’s needs and desires and tries to be always alert to serve him and please him in every way.  She always honors her husband, respecting him as her pati-guru.  She refrains from criticizing, nagging and fighting with her husband.  “Where there is no fighting, the Goddess of Fortune resides in that home.” (Niti-shastra, III, 21)  By refraining from fighting with her husband, the wife who aspires to become a first-class servant observes yet another of the sacred secrets (#5).  Thus the husband and wife are blessed by the presence of Laksmi devi in their home.

Krsna’s gift

The ability to perform voluntary service which actually pleases one's master requires the bestowal of an opulence.  In order to be able to execute such service, it is necessary to understand one's master's needs ahead of time.  That ability is called "precognition."  It comes from the ancient Latin words prae before, and cognoscere to know.  That ability is actually a gift from the Lord.  How to earn that power, that shakti, that siddhi, of precognition?  When Krsna is pleased with our sincere effort to serve our pati-guru in ordinary ways, according to our husband’s desire, Krsna eventually agrees to bestow upon us the benediction of understanding the mind of our pati-guru.  We can then know—without being told or asked to do something—what needs to be done.  Without Krsna's mercy and sanction, we cannot have such power.   

Srimati Sita devi was expert at understanding the mind of her husband, Lord Sri Ramacandra.  “Mother Sitä was very submissive, faithful, shy and chaste, always understanding the attitude of her husband. Thus by her character and her love and service she completely attracted the mind of the Lord.” (SB 9.10.55)  In the purport, Srila Prabhupada proclaims that Mother Sita is “the ideal wife.”  In many places, Srila Prabhupada calls Mother Sita “Laksmi Sita.”  He has instructed us to follow in the footsteps of Srimati Laksmi devi, the ideal wife. 

We can become expert at understanding the mind of our husband, just as Laksmi Sita does.  But that is an opulence, a mystical art or power which is gifted to a chaste woman by the Lord.  Such power can only be had through the mercy of Krsna.  So if we're asking Krsna for the ability to rise to the occasion, to serve our lord before he even says anything about what he wants, if we're asking Krsna how to anticipate our husband's needs and desires, Krsna can give us that power.  But we have to want it.  Sincerely.  And the way to develop that desire is by performing the duties we are asked and expected to do first, and doing them for the pleasure of Guru and Krsna.  Religiously.  Without fail.  Gradually, as our husband, our pati-guru, is pleased, Krsna is automatically pleased by our service to our husband.  Then Krsna begins to reveal to us from within our heart what we should do in anticipation of our husband's upcoming desire or need.  Prabhupäda said, "One who is sincerely engaged in the service of the Lord, He gives him intelligence, 'Now do this, do this.'  Simply we have to become sincere servant; then all dictation will come from within.  Krsna is there is everyone's heart." (Arrival talk, Mayapur, March 23, 1975)

I have seen time and time again that when I feel Krsna prompting me in my heart that, Your husband is coming home.  Get yourself ready and have his meal hot!  When I act immediately on that inspiration—without hesitation—I am rewarded by seeing the pleasure and satisfaction of my husband.  When I neglect to act on Krsna’s inspiration, or put it off, allow myself to get distracted or do the service half-heartedly, I regret my poor choices.  One way is the way of empowerment to become the source of energy and inspiration for the husband.  The other way is the way of becoming a drain on his energy and a source of discouragement for him.

Krsna has given us free will to choose whether to serve Him or to serve Maya.  When we choose to serve Krsna by serving and pleasing our husband as His representative, aspiring always to become our husband's first-class servant, we are rewarded with all kinds of auspiciousness and unlimited, unbelievable blessings in our lives.  Conversely, when we choose to satisfy our own whims, we suffer, our husbands suffer and our children suffer.  

Choose to become first-class 

By choosing to perform our service to our husbands agreeably, enthusiastically and cheerfully, trying always to anticipate their needs, we become the source of energy and inspiration for our husbands.  "By her feminine behavior as she dressed herself, walked, got up, smiled, laughed, and glanced about, Queen Barhismati increased [her husband's] energy." (S.B. 5.1.29)  By her affectionate glances and her loving words, her humble demeanor and her cheerful service, her wise counsel and her domestic expertise, the chaste wife wins the heart of her husband and encourages him to be the best person he is capable of being.  Thus she pleases both the Lord and her husband, and is rewarded in both this life and the next.

Srila Prabhupada wanted us women to be married.  And once we are married, he wanted us to stay married.  He was very sad and disappointed when his married disciples broke up and left their responsibilities.  They say “it takes two to tango.”  There are two sides to every fight.  There are two sides to every divorce.  Even though the responsibility to keep their marriage together falls on both the husband and the wife, the wife has a particularly heavy responsibility to keep her marriage together.  There is a tremendous amount of weight on our shoulders as married women to keep our marriages intact by satisfying our husbands for the pleasure of Krsna.  If we are doing a good job of being second-class servants of our husbands, and there is room for improvement beyond that, why not go for it?  If we continue to accept our grave responsibilities and strive even further, even higher, by aspiring to become first-class, Krsna conscious servants of our sincere, Krsna conscious husbands, then how will Krsna not be pleased? 

Krsna renders first-class service 

One very good method for training the heart and mind toward accepting the attitude of a first-class servant is to practice going the extra mile in the service of your husband.  Going the extra mile means doing more than we are asked.  Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati said that we should not try to see God, but act in such a way that God will take notice of us.  So going the extra mile in the service of our husband is one very good way to get Krsna's attention.  What better engagement could there be for a Vaisnavi dharmapatni than to aspire to become a first-class servant of her devotee husband, depending on Krsna at every moment to help her anticipate her husband’s desires and needs, and giving it her all—going the extra mile, above and beyond the call of duty—to achieve his pleasure and satisfaction?  Then her life will become not only successful, but indescribably blissful.  To endeavor to serve our husbands above and beyond the call of duty is a great way to attract Krsna's attention and invite the Lord's mercy to empower us in our efforts to become first-class servants. 

Being a first-class servant doesn't mean just intuiting instructions ahead of time so that we can follow them verbatim without using our intelligence.  Sometimes we are given choices in the service of our master, and we have to decide which way to go in order to serve our master in the most pleasing way.  On the subject of making correct decisions by using one's intelligence, Hari Sauri Prabhu wrote, “Although it is essential to follow the instructions of the spiritual master closely, a little intelligence in the application of those instructions is also required. A first-class servant will anticipate the needs of his spiritual master, rather than simply wait to be told everything. One who is expert at pleasing the guru can do many things on his own initiative and still adhere strictly to all instructions. Our intelligence shouldn't be stereotyped or inflexible." (Hari-Sauri, TD 1, Sri Vrndavana Dhama)  Be flexible.  Be always alert.  Anticipate the needs of your husband.  Pray to be empowered to understand ahead of time his needs and desires and to serve him pleasingly, even going the extra mile.

Krsna says that to serve His devotee’s devotee is even more pleasing to Him than serving Him directly.  Our husbands are the devotees of Krsna’s pure devotees.  Krsna has rendered first-class service to us for aeons of time.  Throughout every single one of our innumerable bodies that we’ve inhabited, since time immemorial, Lord Sri Krsna has remained standing in our hearts, guiding us, correcting us, beckoning us back to our eternal, happy life in Vaikuntha.  Should we not endeavor to render Him first-class service in return by rendering first-class service to the servant of His pure devotee?