One of the arts that a feminine,
chaste woman must learn is how to speak sweet words to her husband. And
one of the sweetest things a man can hear is words of admiration,
especially from the woman he has chosen to accept as his religious
wife. Therefore, we dharmapatnis need to learn the art of how to admire
our husbands. We need to not just read how Srila Prabhupada says that
the wife should speak "sweet words" to her husband, but we need to
actually be putting that instruction into practice by daily offering
words of praise and admiration for our husband's masculine traits and worthy
accomplishments.
It may be hard for us to do that. We may feel shy or fearful or just too proud. But we must practice. Practice makes perfect. By practicing--by swallowing our pride, our fear, our embarrassment, our shyness, our impersonalism, our selfishness, and just trying--trying to speak sweet words of admiration and appreciation to our husbands--gradually Krsna in our heart will teach us how to speak sweet words sincerely with genuine feeling.
Sincerity is important. Our words must be genuine. Otherwise, our husbands will sense that we are putting on a show, that we have some ulterior motive or that we are not really sincere in our attempt to offer sweet, admiring words.
Complimenting our husbands is not something we learn here in America. We learn from the example of our mothers how to find fault and criticize, but not how to compliment. I had to learn about the principle of complimenting my husband from a book. Luckily, I learned about it before I met my husband. A dear friend knew I wanted to get married. She pulled me aside and stuck a pink book in my hands. She said, "Read it." I hesitated, thinking, This is not one of Srila Prabhupada's books. How can I read this?
That very evening, I curled up with her mysterious pink book. It was titled Fascinating Womanhood. Written by a Mormon woman, Helen Andelin, the book sucked me in like no other book I had ever read. Once I got started, I couldn't put it down. The author obviously was a kindred spirit and shared many of the same views I held--she even recommended rising at 4:00 a.m.!--but she also taught me things I had never known.
She explained that just as women feel the need for love, men feel the need for admiration. I thought, Hey, that concept must come from Krishna! Srila Prabhupada had told us that Krishna is a person just like us. But there is a difference: Krishna is humongous and we are teeny. But we are of the same spiritual nature, and we have similar desires. Krishna is a person and so are we. We like to be appreciated, and so does Krishna. Krishna likes to hear His name chanted, and He likes to be glorified. Our ears perk up when we hear our name spoken, and when somebody says something nice about us? We immediately feel warmth and goodwill toward that person. But Krsna likes it even better when we glorify His devotees! So, I immediately thought, If Krishna gives me a devotee husband, I'm going to compliment him!
By His gracious kindness, Krishna did give me a devotee husband. Right away, I started complimenting him. But I overdid it. Soon after we were married, my husband complained to me that I was complimenting him too much. He said it felt like I was a little insincere, that I didn't really mean what I said. I swallowed hard. That hurt. I did not feel that my compliments were insincere. I genuinely appreciated him and admired so many things about him. But he felt it was too much, and a little contrived. So I made an effort to tone it down. I now compliment my husband only once in a while (only once or twice a day), and I try to make sure it's genuine. I want him to know that I mean it. Now, when I compliment him, I can tell he likes it and that it makes him feel encouraged.
One of Helen Andelin's most important suggestions is that we learn to compliment our husbands for their masculine qualities and achievements. Our husband's masculine qualities and achievements set him apart from us, his feminine wife. For example, he has a bigger, stronger body than we do. He has a bigger brain than we do. Men are proud of their muscular bodies, their intelligence, their deep voices and their courage. They pride themselves on their ability to protect and shelter their families, to work hard and steadily to provide food and clothing and other necessities for them, and on completing heavy or difficult tasks that women find too hard to do. They regard the accomplishment of a challenging job as a conquest. Men love competition and they love to win. They love to conquer. Devotee men strive to conquer their senses, the temptations of maya, the competition out there in the business world. Men are very competitive, which is good, because they need a competitive spirit in order to survive and excel in the world of men. When they are successful at accomplishing their goals and conquering obstacles, they like to have their accomplishments noticed and recognized by their wives. They feel especially encouraged when their wives express admiration for them in words, either written or audible.
Men are not mind-readers. They need our appreciation of them put into words. To put into words and actually express how proud we are of our husband's manly qualities and achievements can be embarrassing and awkward for a wife to do, especially if she's never in her life heard another woman compliment her husband. But if we start with something small, perhaps a written note that we tuck in his shoe, tape to the bathroom mirror or leave on the dashboard of his car, that will help us to get used to the habit of noticing things about him that we admire and articulating our appreciation. It can be very difficult to express in words our recognition of our husband's masculine attributes and accomplishments. If we just start small, it will get easier and we will see how pleased our husbands are by our recognition of their strong arms, our glorification of their brave deeds and our admiration of their resolute determination to carry out their manly duties with unflagging steadfastness.
Observe him. Notice what he does. Listen to him talk. If you give him your full attention, you will begin to understand his mind. You will begin to get glimpses of what it is he is most proud of in his life. He will give you ideas about what he feels are his greatest accomplishments, qualities and goals. But don't just wait for him to become Braveheart. Don't wait for him to achieve earth-shaking accomplishments before you begin to compliment him. Just as we women need love every day, our husbands need glorification every day. Remember how the kings of ancient times were daily wakened by the bards of the court who sang of the exploits of their masters? Our husbands are our kings. They need to know that we recognize and appreciate their kingly victories, too. And they need to hear our glorification of their kingly exploits, even if it's hard for us to muster the courage to say it to them in words. Remember, there's always the option of writing a little love-note and sticking it on the bathroom mirror.
Give it a try, ladies. He may respond with a word of disagreement, such as, "I'm not so good at that as you say I am," or he may surprise you with agreement, "Hey, I did do a good job on that, didn't I?" Whatever his response, it's worth it just to see the twinkle in his eye, the subtle inflation of his chest and the courage with which he faces the next day after receiving a compliment from his dear wife. Be aware that he may become unusually affectionate toward you once you start this practice of admiring him in words. That's okay. Keep it up. He needs admiration like he needs air, and to receive it from his wife is what he craves.
It may be hard for us to do that. We may feel shy or fearful or just too proud. But we must practice. Practice makes perfect. By practicing--by swallowing our pride, our fear, our embarrassment, our shyness, our impersonalism, our selfishness, and just trying--trying to speak sweet words of admiration and appreciation to our husbands--gradually Krsna in our heart will teach us how to speak sweet words sincerely with genuine feeling.
Sincerity is important. Our words must be genuine. Otherwise, our husbands will sense that we are putting on a show, that we have some ulterior motive or that we are not really sincere in our attempt to offer sweet, admiring words.
Complimenting our husbands is not something we learn here in America. We learn from the example of our mothers how to find fault and criticize, but not how to compliment. I had to learn about the principle of complimenting my husband from a book. Luckily, I learned about it before I met my husband. A dear friend knew I wanted to get married. She pulled me aside and stuck a pink book in my hands. She said, "Read it." I hesitated, thinking, This is not one of Srila Prabhupada's books. How can I read this?
That very evening, I curled up with her mysterious pink book. It was titled Fascinating Womanhood. Written by a Mormon woman, Helen Andelin, the book sucked me in like no other book I had ever read. Once I got started, I couldn't put it down. The author obviously was a kindred spirit and shared many of the same views I held--she even recommended rising at 4:00 a.m.!--but she also taught me things I had never known.
She explained that just as women feel the need for love, men feel the need for admiration. I thought, Hey, that concept must come from Krishna! Srila Prabhupada had told us that Krishna is a person just like us. But there is a difference: Krishna is humongous and we are teeny. But we are of the same spiritual nature, and we have similar desires. Krishna is a person and so are we. We like to be appreciated, and so does Krishna. Krishna likes to hear His name chanted, and He likes to be glorified. Our ears perk up when we hear our name spoken, and when somebody says something nice about us? We immediately feel warmth and goodwill toward that person. But Krsna likes it even better when we glorify His devotees! So, I immediately thought, If Krishna gives me a devotee husband, I'm going to compliment him!
By His gracious kindness, Krishna did give me a devotee husband. Right away, I started complimenting him. But I overdid it. Soon after we were married, my husband complained to me that I was complimenting him too much. He said it felt like I was a little insincere, that I didn't really mean what I said. I swallowed hard. That hurt. I did not feel that my compliments were insincere. I genuinely appreciated him and admired so many things about him. But he felt it was too much, and a little contrived. So I made an effort to tone it down. I now compliment my husband only once in a while (only once or twice a day), and I try to make sure it's genuine. I want him to know that I mean it. Now, when I compliment him, I can tell he likes it and that it makes him feel encouraged.
One of Helen Andelin's most important suggestions is that we learn to compliment our husbands for their masculine qualities and achievements. Our husband's masculine qualities and achievements set him apart from us, his feminine wife. For example, he has a bigger, stronger body than we do. He has a bigger brain than we do. Men are proud of their muscular bodies, their intelligence, their deep voices and their courage. They pride themselves on their ability to protect and shelter their families, to work hard and steadily to provide food and clothing and other necessities for them, and on completing heavy or difficult tasks that women find too hard to do. They regard the accomplishment of a challenging job as a conquest. Men love competition and they love to win. They love to conquer. Devotee men strive to conquer their senses, the temptations of maya, the competition out there in the business world. Men are very competitive, which is good, because they need a competitive spirit in order to survive and excel in the world of men. When they are successful at accomplishing their goals and conquering obstacles, they like to have their accomplishments noticed and recognized by their wives. They feel especially encouraged when their wives express admiration for them in words, either written or audible.
Men are not mind-readers. They need our appreciation of them put into words. To put into words and actually express how proud we are of our husband's manly qualities and achievements can be embarrassing and awkward for a wife to do, especially if she's never in her life heard another woman compliment her husband. But if we start with something small, perhaps a written note that we tuck in his shoe, tape to the bathroom mirror or leave on the dashboard of his car, that will help us to get used to the habit of noticing things about him that we admire and articulating our appreciation. It can be very difficult to express in words our recognition of our husband's masculine attributes and accomplishments. If we just start small, it will get easier and we will see how pleased our husbands are by our recognition of their strong arms, our glorification of their brave deeds and our admiration of their resolute determination to carry out their manly duties with unflagging steadfastness.
Observe him. Notice what he does. Listen to him talk. If you give him your full attention, you will begin to understand his mind. You will begin to get glimpses of what it is he is most proud of in his life. He will give you ideas about what he feels are his greatest accomplishments, qualities and goals. But don't just wait for him to become Braveheart. Don't wait for him to achieve earth-shaking accomplishments before you begin to compliment him. Just as we women need love every day, our husbands need glorification every day. Remember how the kings of ancient times were daily wakened by the bards of the court who sang of the exploits of their masters? Our husbands are our kings. They need to know that we recognize and appreciate their kingly victories, too. And they need to hear our glorification of their kingly exploits, even if it's hard for us to muster the courage to say it to them in words. Remember, there's always the option of writing a little love-note and sticking it on the bathroom mirror.
Give it a try, ladies. He may respond with a word of disagreement, such as, "I'm not so good at that as you say I am," or he may surprise you with agreement, "Hey, I did do a good job on that, didn't I?" Whatever his response, it's worth it just to see the twinkle in his eye, the subtle inflation of his chest and the courage with which he faces the next day after receiving a compliment from his dear wife. Be aware that he may become unusually affectionate toward you once you start this practice of admiring him in words. That's okay. Keep it up. He needs admiration like he needs air, and to receive it from his wife is what he craves.
I have read and own a copy of this book. Mrs. Andelin has a way of projecting her advice to all faiths. She does mention God but not overwhelmingly. Wonderful book!
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