Shyness is a Virtue

As soon as you break this modesty, shyness, 

then the woman will create devastation.

                                                                               (Morning walk, 29/12/1976, Bombay)

The first time I ever heard that shyness is a positive virtue was when Srila Prabhupada spoke about it that way.  Previously, I had always regarded shyness as a negative trait.  Srila Prabhupada's revelation that shyness is actually a quality to be admired and emulated was revolutionary.  Not only is shyness a positive quality, but it actually protects girls and women.  He writes, "Shyness is the only protection for them [women]."  He then laments, "But now there is no modesty left.  That
[shyness] is a woman’s beauty, but we are breaking that, so there is no beauty, no attraction.” (Srila Prabhupada Nectar, 2.47)  I was amazed to learn that shyness is not only protective armor for women, but the key to feminine beauty as well, and that Srila Prabhupada actually recommended that shyness be cultivated in girls and women!

When I was little, I was not a very good-looking child.  I always wanted to be pretty, but due to bad karma from past lifetimes, I was not endowed with very much bodily beauty.  So I tried to compensate, to look pretty by keeping my hair long and tied back, wearing long skirts and covering my head with a veil.  No one had ever told me that such type of dress is attractive, I just somehow felt it was.  I had the sense that modest dress was attractive.  But soon after entering (co-ed) school, I observed that the world around me apparently thought otherwise, and if I wanted to "fit in," I needed to give up this silly quality of shyness and become bold and fearless.  Thus my efforts to overcome shyness instead of cultivate it began when I was very young.

Daddy's little girl

I was a talented little girl, and I remember being put on stage by my father, who loved to show me off.  I was naturally shy, but he would prod me and encourage me to overcome my shyness in order to perform in front of others.

I was naturally inclined toward singing, acting and dancing.  When I was by myself, or in front of my parents, I would sing songs that I had made up.  My talents were the source of pride for my father, and whenever guests came over to our house, I was called upon to perform.  I was okay with performing in front of my parents, but in front of others, I was painfully timid.  Mortified by his artificially imposed invasion upon my innate shyness, I would nonetheless perform out of deference to my father because I loved my Dad and was naturally submissive.  But it was very scary.

Unfortunately, this practice of encouraging young girls to overcome shyness was not limited to just my Dad and our family.  It was a trend among Americans in general.  I was not the only little girl in my class or in my school who was encouraged to give up shyness.  We small girls heard remarks spoken in an amused, embarrassed or even critical tone by our elders such as, "Oh, she's shy," or "She's bashful."  Those of us who grew up in America learned early in life that shyness is looked down upon.  Sometimes we were even made fun of if we were not bold enough in the company of our peers.  No one wants to be laughed at, so many of us forcibly broke out of our shells, stretched ourselves beyond our comfort zones and learned how to be bold and outspoken.  We were led to believe that unless we overcame our shyness, we would not be socially accepted.  In fact, the training was so effective that I remember some girls from my elementary school years--girls who maintained their natural shyness, who were not intimidated by the pressure to become bold and brazen and were still naturally shy, who had felt the pressure to become bold and outspoken but who had nevertheless either decided not to give in to the pressure, or despite their efforts to overcome their natural shyness, had not been successful--who became the subject of ridicule by us girls who had been successful in overcoming our shyness!  We would tease those girls.  We would make fun of them and shun those girls because they were not “cool” enough to hang out with us loud, extroverted, brazen girls. We thought we were cool and we thought they were not.  We thought that the boys liked us better.

Modesty equals shyness

Although Srila Prabhupada uses the words "shyness" and "modesty" interchangeably--the two words do go hand in hand--the word "shyness" is more of an inner quality, whereas "modesty" is how that shyness is manifested on the outside, e.g., in one's dress, one's hairstyle, one's behavior and one's speech.  My Dad and society in general wanted me to un-learn my natural shyness.  My mother, on the other hand, wanted to instill in me the practice of modesty, but, unfortunately, she started too late.  By the time she realized I needed coaching in this area, it was too late.  My natural shyness had already been buried.  She saw the need for modesty--modest dress, modest behavior, modest speech--but didn’t know how to communicate to me the definition of the word, nor the need for it, nor the importance of such a virtue.  I remember her saying simply that I "needed to be modest."  I didn’t understand the word, nor did I understand why I needed to be modest.  So, by the time I hit puberty, I rebelled and turned up my nose at the thought of changing my arrogant attitude, let alone my immodest ways.

Again, Srila Prabhupada equates the word modesty with the word shyness.  He explains why discouraging modesty, or shyness, is dangerous: “…As soon as you break this modesty, shyness, then the woman will create devastation.”  (Morning walk, December 29, 1976, Bombay)  Why does breaking modesty or shyness create devastation?  Simple.  Bottom line, "Breaking this modesty, shyness" leads to girls and women freely associating with members of the opposite sex.  Bas.  The result of girls and boys freely associating with each other is that fire melts butter.  Girls are compared to fire and boys to butter.  When butter gets too close to fire, it has to melt. Eventually, illicit sex is dangerously likely to occur.  Whether it means pre-marital sex or adultery, the consequent "devastation" Srila Prabhupada refers to means that a girl or woman will possibly engage in
illicit sexual union with someone who is not her lawfully wedded husband, and might even produce a child.

Date rape

I entered the University of Wyoming with a plan to become an elementary school teacher.  I also loved music, so I tried out for and made it into the UW Chorus.  For the first few months, I tried hard to do well in school.  But quickly, due to bad association, my belief in God and my determination to "be good" and please Him degraded.  Away from my parents and living in the women's dormitory, I soon got into the association of girls who didn't care about God, and boys who were out to make me the object of their urge to gratify their genitals.  Although the dorm imposed restrictions on students, e.g., we were not allowed to have male visitors except once a week for part of an afternoon and we had a nightly curfew of 11:00 p.m., still I managed to get myself into trouble by accepting an invitation to a date with a fraternity boy.  In one night, that boy taught me the meaning of the phrase "date rape."  He turned my life around by taking away my virginity and exposing me to the mentality of what Srila Prabhupada would call a prostitute, a mentality which was altogether devoid of shyness.

Varna-sankara  

Srila Prabhupada always looked at the broad picture, the repercussions, the future consequences of abandoning traditional social restrictions.  He comments on what happens particularly when a married woman loses her shyness: "…Shyness is important for women.  Once this control valve [of shyness] is loosened, women can create havoc in society by adultery.  Adultery means production of unwanted children known as varna-sankara, who disturb the world." (S.B. 1.9.27 Purport)  Both pre-marital sex and adultery can result in unwanted children—varna-sankara—who cause disturbance to the world.

So what happens to these unwanted children who are born out of wedlock or from an adulterous union?  Often nowadays, they are not even allowed to take birth.  They are aborted from the wombs of their mothers and left to die in a trash-can.  That is the very worst-case scenario.

If there could be two worst-case scenarios, the second would be this: the father of the child may be irresponsible and leave the woman to fend for herself.  If that happens, if there is no father in the home to love, support, discipline and teach that child how to be successful (either in this world, or the next, or both), if it is all on the shoulders of the mother to raise the child, that child can suffer greatly from feelings of inadequacy, abandonment, depression, and confusion about his direction in life.

Srila Prabhupada points out in conversations with his disciples and others that if the father goes away, unwed mothers may have to take help from the government for their maintenance.  He questions the logic of this scenario.  "…Why…woman should become pregnant and the man goes away and she has to take care of the children, beg from government…?" (Room Conversation 7/9/75 Chicago)

In the case of a married woman getting pregnant by some man other than her husband, this can create a painfully awkward situation with turbulent emotions which can cause the break-up of the marriage. The child, if he is lucky not to be aborted, is almost guaranteed to be born into an atmosphere of automatic non-acceptance by the husband of his mother.  Therefore he endures a most painful, lonely existence--that of an unwanted child.

Keep boys and girls separate

My mother somehow could foresee that I would probably get into trouble if I kept up my boldness and familiarity with boys, but she did not understand how to instill in me the qualities of shyness and chastity which she instinctively knew I would need in order to be able to practice modesty and thus have a good chance of saving myself from illicit sex, to save myself for my future husband.

One suggestion Srila Prabhupada gave Chaya devi to encourage chastity among boys and girls is to separate them around the age of ten.  "So when they are grown up, at about 10 to 12 years old, then you can make separate…" (Letter, 2/16/72).  He also said that girls must be married at an early age. But girls are programmed by modern American culture to go from one boy to another, just like a prostitute, and practically forced by social pressure to wait until they are at the very least twenty years old to get married. How can they explain to their elders that their brazen behavior with boys is the result of (1) co-education, (2) co-ed extra-curricular activities, and (3) a need to be married at a young age—a need which is recognized by God and by Vedic culture but suppressed, denigrated and criticized by modern society?  Due to the abandonment of Vedic culture in the Kali-yuga, this need of young girls is not being met.  It is not even being recognized, what to speak of properly addressed.

Re-learning shyness

In my own case, although I wanted to be chaste and devote my heart to just one boy, one man, I did not understand nor know how to explain my desire or my predicament to my parents or other elders. I was a lonely, lusty little girl growing up in a society which encouraged suppression of shyness, free-mixing between boys and girls, postponement of marriage until at least the age of twenty, and “shopping around” for one’s husband by dating many boys before deciding which one to marry.  What a dangerous minefield this free-mixing, lusty society presents to young girls!

On top of all this, when we entered college, we girls were encouraged by our teachers, school nurses and dormitory personnel to take contraceptive drugs!  In such an atmosphere, how can a girl keep her virginity intact and save herself for her husband?  Such a determined, chaste girl would be a rare young woman indeed.

Unfortunately, I did not learn that shyness is a virtue until I met Srila Prabhupada.  Now, although it's like teaching an old dog new tricks, I am slowly learning how to rekindle the natural shyness I felt as a young girl.  I am slowly learning to practice modesty, and it's beginning to feel more and more natural.