Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Men are Problem-Solvers

Men are awesome problem-solvers.  But they are generally somewhat lacking in the sympathy department. They usually cannot sympathize with us ladies the way we need them to.  It doesn't come naturally to them.

When we ladies have had a rough day or have been through a tough ordeal, we want sympathy, soft understanding words, appreciation for how we survived the ordeal, and hugs.  We are not asking for solutions, nor are we asking to be grilled about how we screwed up and somehow got ourselves into the pickle we were just in.  We want a friend.  We want someone who will soothe our frazzled psyches with perhaps a few words of understanding.  Or maybe even just a gentle "Mmmmm" and a slight touch on our back or a stroke on our head.  Or maybe just silence accompanied by a genuine gaze of empathy.  Not words of criticism.

If we try to get the kind of sympathy we need from our man, he may sometimes respond by scolding, "Why did you do such-and-such?" or "Don't you understand how to avoid such-and-such?" or "You should have done this or that, then you wouldn't have had this problem" or "Maybe you should do it differently next time." This kind of response can be very discouraging to a woman and can make her feel that her man does not have a sympathetic bone in his body.  She may react to his response by emotionally distancing herself from him, or she may get angry, because instead of giving her what she needed, his response hurt her.

But to another man, this kind of tough talk can be very helpful.  When guy #1 asks guy #2 for advice, and guy #1 gets insulted by guy #2, guy #1 likes it.  Men respond with respect to insulting words from other men, when such words are given with the motive of helping a guy out of his difficulty.  Then, when the second guy offers the first guy a solution to his problem, the first guy listens attentively and feels great respect and gratitude for his friend's straight talk.  Because men only go to other men with their problems when they are seeking solutions, and they don't mind straight, tough talk, they think that when women come to them with their problems, the women want solutions and straight, tough talk.  That's why when we come to men with our problems, they try to solve them, and sometimes unwittingly make us feel misunderstood and even more depressed or angry or upset than we already were!

So better to find a trusted girlfriend to unload on, and keep conversations with our husbands light and cheerful.  Otherwise, we might be in for a disappointing response.

Of course, when we do have a problem that we'd like our man to solve, he will likely be more than willing to help us with it.  Men are very chivalrous in that way.  ;)  

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your few words of understanding today Mother Phalini -- exactly what I needed...I'm going to read the article about serving your husband is it the one you referred to?