Service, Surrender and Sacrifice

                                                    This is victory for a woman. 

                             --Srila Prabhupada           

           Vedic marriage, vivaha-yajna, is the joining of two souls for the purpose of encouraging each other to become Krsna conscious and raising Krsna conscious children.  A marriage which is based on Krsna consciousness is a life of service, surrender, and sacrifice.

A Vedic wife is known as a dharmapatni or a pativrata.  A dharmapatni is a religious wife. Dharma means one's God-given occupation, or service.  Patni means wife, or protectress.  A patni protects her husband from temptresses and illicit connections with other women.  She also protects him from unnecessary stress, forgetfulness of Krsna, and distractions which may hurt his physical body or his devotional creeper.  Patni is the feminine form of the word pati, which means protector, or husband.   

A Vedic husband is called pati-guru.  Pati means protector, and guru means teacher.  A pati-guru, or husband, protects his wife from danger and want in this material world, and by spiritual instruction, he protects her from taking birth again.  That is why he is called pati-guru, or instructing protector.  It is necessary to define pati-guru when defining dharmapatni because the dharma of her husband is so integral to the behavior of a wife that their duties are inseparably interrelated.

Qualities of a dharmapatni
 

A dharmapatni tries to understand the mind and temperament of her husband and adjust herself accordingly.  Srila Prabhupada cites the example of Princess Sukanya in her dealings with her husband, Cyavana Muni: "This is an indication of the relationship between husband and wife.  A great personality like Cyavana Muni has the temperament of always wanting to be in a superior position.  Such a person cannot submit to anyone.  Therefore, Cyavana Muni had an irritable temperament.  His wife, Sukanyä, could understand his attitude, and under the circumstances she treated him accordingly.  If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband's temperament and please him.  This is victory for a woman." (SB 9.3.10 Ppt) 

A dharmapatni endeavors with enthusiasm to please her husband in every way.  She tries with all her efforts to be a first-class servant of her husband.  A first-class servant anticipates the desires of the master and tries to fulfill them before being asked.  Even if she can’t always know what he is going to want, she tries to understand him well enough that she can predict his needs and desires, and tries to act accordingly.  Even when she accidentally displeases him, she sincerely apologizes for her failure, and prays and tries to do better next time.  She seeks the association of other chaste ladies and tries to follow the example of other dharmapatnis, so that she may learn to serve her husband better. (See story of Draupadi and Satyabhama in the Mahabharata)

Pativrata means a wife who follows the vow of her husband.  What does it mean to follow the vow of the husband?  A simple definition is that a pativrata follows the same vow that her husband has made to his guru.  If she is unable to follow that vow herself, she at least encourages, supports, and enables her husband to follow his vow.  Sometimes, if her husband experiences some weakness in his resolve to follow his vow, a dharmapatni may need to remain strong in her following of his vow so as to help him get back on track.  To follow the vow of the husband also means much more than literally following the vows he has made to his guru and to God.  It means to understand and adopt his overall mood, so that she facilitates his purpose, the mission of his life.

A dharmapatni protects her husband from material allurements by appearing and behaving in pleasing ways.  “When a woman is decorated nicely, her husband becomes more cheerful.” (SB 4.3.4)  She presents herself to him clean, neatly and prettily dressed, and decorated attractively so as to give pleasure to his mind and senses.  I have seen especially in South India how the married ladies endeavor to look pleasing to their husbands.  They wear nice saris, toe rings, anklets, bangles, mangala-sutras, earrings, bindi, sindoor, and to top it all off, they daily wear flowers in their hair.

A dharmapatni also speaks sweet words to her husband.  This means she speaks pleasingly.  She is always "favorably disposed toward her husband" and because she is always favorably disposed toward him in her heart, her words are always encouraging and uplifting to him.  When the husband sees his wife dressed and decorated nicely, and when she remains respectful and appreciative in her conversations with him, he is enlivened and encouraged to perform his dharmic duty, and he is attracted to her instead of to other women.  So the word patni also implies a woman who protects her husband from the temptations of this material world, especially the temptation of illicit sex. 

“As far as the women class are concerned, they are accepted as a power of inspiration for men.  As such, women are more powerful than men.” (SB 1.9.27 Ppt)  By behaving in various feminine ways, a dharmapatni becomes the source of energy and inspiration for her husband. 

By her feminine gestures and glances, by dressing nicely, by fulfilling her domestic role expertly and by speaking sweet words to her husband, a religious wife not only pleases her husband, but pleases Krsna.  "By her feminine behavior as she dressed herself, walked, got up, smiled, laughed, and glanced about, Queen Barhismati increased his [Maharaja Priyavrata's] energy." (SB 5.1.29)

 Maya tests chaste women

           A woman who accepts her role as a dharmapatni takes on a heavy responsibility.  She accepts the austerity of trying to remain always attractive to her husband, thus shielding him from the allurements of attraction to other women who are not his lawfully wedded wives.  She takes on the challenge of bearing children and raising them in Krsna consciousness, which gives glory to her husband. 

Sometimes the austerities that a dharmapatni performs can be a source of trouble to her, especially if she is not materially very beautiful, or if she is experiencing emotional or physical problems.  Often, when we are trying to do something auspicious for the pleasure of Krsna, like trying to be a dutiful wife and mother, Mayadevi tests us with various challenges.  These challenges may come in the form of crying babies, messy houses, irritable or neglectful husbands, sickness, injury, disobedient children, or the phases of the moon causing our emotions to fluctuate day by day.  When Maya tests us, we may react with impatience, depression or anger.  Such tests can be very discouraging at times.  Sometimes we may even feel indifferent or apathetic because the challenges of life become too difficult to solve.  

Inspiration for dharmapatnis

           Hearing or reading about the great dharmapatnis of the past can help a woman feel encouraged to perform her duty of pleasing her husband nicely even when she doesn't feel like doing so. 

Many examples can be found in the Srimad-Bhagavatam of such dutiful women.  The Bhagavatam, for instance, provides historical accounts of exemplary dharmapatnis from ancient times who successfully practiced the secrets of the pativratas and thus won the hearts of their husbands.  By following the examples of the ladies depicted in shastra, we can remain encouraged ourselves.  When we feel encouraged, we will find it easier to remain attractive, pleasing and helpful to our husbands at all times.

Sitadevi, the wife of Lord Sri Rama, was most famous for her devotion and chastity.  It is described in the 9^th canto of Srimad-Bhagavatam that Sitadevi “was very submissive, faithful, shy and chaste, always understanding the attitude of her husband. Thus by her character and her love and service she completely attracted the mind of the Lord.”  Srila Prabhupada explains in the purport, “As Lord Rämacandra is the ideal husband (eka-patni-vrata), mother Sitä is the ideal wife. Such a combination makes family life very happy. Yad yad äcarati sresthas tat tad evetaro janah: whatever example a great man sets, common people follow. If the kings, the leaders, and the brähmanas, the teachers, would set forth the examples we receive from Vedic literature, the entire world would be heaven; indeed, there would no longer be hellish conditions within this material world.” (SB 9.10.55)

  Here is a quote from the story of Cyavana Muni and Sukanya: "Even in the dealings of Lord Krsna with His different queens, it has been seen that although the queens were the daughters of great kings, they placed themselves before Lord Krsna as His maidservants.  However great a woman may be, she must place herself before her husband in this way; that is to say, she must be ready to carry out her husband's orders and please him in all circumstances.  Then her life will be successful.  When the wife becomes as irritable as the husband, their life at home is sure to be disturbed or ultimately completely broken.  In the modern day, the wife is never submissive, and therefore home life is broken even by slight incidents.  Either the wife or the husband may take advantage of the divorce laws.  According to the Vedic law, however, there is no such thing as divorce laws, and a woman must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband.  Westerners contend that this is a slave mentality for the wife, but factually it is not; it is the tactic by which a woman can conquer the heart of her husband, however irritable or cruel he may be.  In this case we clearly see that although Cyavana Muni was not young but indeed old enough to be Sukanyä's grandfather and was also very irritable, Sukanyä, the beautiful young daughter of a king, submitted herself to her old husband and tried to please him in all respects.  Thus she was a faithful and chaste wife.” (SB 9.3.10 Ppt)

Devahuti was another ideal lady.  Her story is one of the most famous accounts given in Srimad-Bhagavatam.  “Devahüti served her husband with intimacy and great respect, with control of the senses, with love and with sweet words.” (SB 3.23.2)  The next verse reads, "Working sanely and diligently, she pleased her very powerful husband, giving up all lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity." (SB 3.23.3)

How not to behave
 

There are also examples in the scriptures of women who experienced lapses in  practicing the principles of patni-dharma. 

Sati, the wife of Lord Siva, went against the desire and good judgment of her husband and suffered because of her disregard for his advice.  Srila Prabhupada states, “The best course for a woman is to abide by the orders of her husband. That makes family life very peaceful. Sometimes there may be misunderstandings between husband and wife, as found even in such an elevated family relationship as that of Sati and Lord Siva, but a wife should not leave her husband's protection because of such a misunderstanding. If she does so, it is understood to be due to her womanly weakness.” (SB 4.4.3 Ppt)  Sati went against the desire of her husband, Lord Siva, because she desired to go to a family event, a sacrifice, held at her father’s house, an event to which her husband was not invited.  She defiantly left her husband and went alone to her father’s house, where it became clear to her upon her arrival that not only was her husband spurned by her father, but she also was not welcome.  This burned her heart like fire, and she could not tolerate the insult.  She immolated her body, thus causing even greater grief to her husband, whom she had already abandoned. 

In the Ramayana, Lord Rama tells His mother Kausalya that for a woman to leave her husband is “simply cruel.” (VR, 24.11)  He tells her this because she requests Him to take her to the forest with Him, thus hinting at leaving her husband, King Dasaratha.  Her co-wife, Kaikeyi, had succumbed to the temptation planted in her heart by the crafty, selfish maidservant Manthara to demand from the king that Kausalya’s son Rama, who was scheduled to be crowned as Prince Regent, be banished to the forest so that Kaikeyi’s own son Bharata could be installed on the throne.  Rama was determined to uphold the truthfulness of his father by agreeing to Kaikeyi’s demand to banish Rama.  Kausalya could not tolerate separation from her son, so she begged Him to take her with Him.  Sri Rama instructed her that she should remain with her husband and serve him, even in this most difficult of circumstances.
            Srimati Sitadevi, the Goddess of Fortune herself, demonstrated an example of what can happen when a wife is disobedient to her husband.  While in the Dandaka forest with Rama and Laksmana, Sitadevi saw a lovely deer which was sent to their hermitage by Ravana to trick and lure Sita.  Sitadevi fell for the trap.  She wanted the deer for a pet, so she asked Rama to capture it for her.  Before leaving to chase the deer, Rama instructed Laksmana not to let Sita out of His sight.  That instruction indirectly meant that Sita was not to allow herself out of the sight of Laksmana.  She instructed her younger brother-in-law to disobey His elder brother, and she put herself in a position of indirectly disobeying her Lord by separating herself from the view of Laksmana.  These two negative conditions laid the groundwork for Ravana's plan of kidnapping Sitadevi to materialize.  Although when the kidnapping takes place, Sitadevi is spared the touch of Ravana’s lusty hands because her maya form takes her place, and although (as Srila Prabhupada points out in SB 9.10.11) Sita could not actually be captured by Ravana, still she allowed her maya form to be captured so that Lord Rama’s instructions to married women to keep themselves under the protection and control of their husbands would be graphically demonstrated.

Diti exercised poor judgment by approaching her husband Kasyapa for sexual enjoyment at an inauspicious time.  Due to her unbearable lust, the demons were born. “Diti…was pressed by Cupid for sexual satisfaction. She caught hold of the clothing of the great brähmana sage, just like a shameless public prostitute.”  Srila Prabhupada explains in the purport: “The difference between a married wife and a public prostitute is that one is restrained in sex life by the rules and regulations of the scriptures, whereas the other is unrestricted in sex life and is conducted solely by the strong sex urge. Although very enlightened, Kasyapa, the great sage, became a victim of his prostitute wife. Such is the strong force of material energy.” (SB 3.14.30)

Victory for a woman
 

Above are a few examples in the shastra of women who exhibited good behavior as well as women who showed how not to behave, and who suffered the results of their misdeeds, in part to teach lessons to women in the future.  The instructive accounts of misbehavior are mostly about women who were generally well-behaved, but who made mistakes because of temptation or weakness, and who suffered and caused suffering to their husbands and others because of giving in to such temptations.
In conclusion, the life of a dharmapatni is one of service, surrender and sacrifice.  Such a life, if offered to Lord Sri Krsna for His satisfaction, is filled with challenges but also rewards, and spells triumph for a soul in a woman's body.  "If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband's temperament and please him. This is victory for a woman." (SB 9.3.10 Ppt)